It was her first therapy session with Dr. Lewis. Well, unless you count the one right after Rigo died, but that had been mandatory. Maya was heading into this therapy session voluntarily. After everything had come to a head with her dad and she had gone and begged Carina to take her back, Maya decided she needed therapy.
She actually decided she needed to see someone before she begged Carina to take her back because she knew it wasn’t fair to her girlfriend to ask her to forgive her if she wasn’t willing to do the work to make sure she didn’t blow up their relationship again, and Maya knew that without the help of a professional, there was a 100% chance she would destroy things with Carina. Carina was in full support of Maya going to see a therapist, confiding in the firefighter that she herself had been in therapy for the past 5 months with everything going on with her brother.
Maya called Dr. Lewis on her way to apologize to Carina and got an appointment for a few days later. Dr. Lewis agreed to come to the station before her shifts.
This first session though, Maya asked to have on her day off. They were going to use Sullivan’s office because the captain from C shift needed the Captain’s office because it was his shift. Maya didn’t know how this was going to go so she wanted to do it when she would have a lot of time to process it.
Carina walked her to the station that morning, mostly because all Maya wanted to do was run and never stop, but she knew she needed this.
“You can do this Bella,” Carina said, kissing her cheek as they walked into the station.
Dr. Lewis was standing near the desk, waiting for Maya.
“Captain Bishop,” the therapist said, “Ready?”
“Do you want me to wait?” Carina asked as Maya took a deep breath.
“No,” Maya said, shaking her head, “No. Go catch up on your charting. I’ll text you when I’m done.”
“Alright,” Carina said, leaning down and giving Maya a quick kiss before leaving.
“Who was that?” Dr. Lewis asked as they walked upstairs and into Sullivan’s office, Maya closing all the blinds because she did not want anyone at the station to see what was going on.
“My girlfriend,” Maya said, sitting down in one of Sullivan’s chairs as Dr. Lewis sat down behind the desk, “Dr. Carina Deluca.”
“How long have you two been together?” Dr. Lewis asked, taking out her notebook.
“It’s kinda complicated,” Maya said, suddenly finding her hands very interesting.
“Complicated is why we are here,” Dr. Lewis said.
“Well, we were together for about three months,” Maya said.
“Were?” Dr. Lewis said, cocking an eyebrow, “I thought you just said she is your girlfriend.”
“Yeah,” Maya said, nodding, “She is again now. But about two weeks ago, we had a big fight about my dad and whether or not he was abusive which I was in denial about and I ran out like I always do and I came here because this is basically my second home and I slept with Jack who is my ex-boyfriend in my office which I’m sure you already know because I know he’s been seeing you and then I went home and she was still there because she is a saint and waited there all day on her day off when she could have been doing anything else and I was so mad at her and myself and my dad and the universe that I yelled at her and told her I had just slept with Jack and I broke us.”
“Ok,” Dr. Lewis said, taking in everything the captain had just told her as she watched tears run down Maya’s face, the blonde trying desperately to wipe them away on her shirt sleeve, “And now you two are back together?”
“Yeah,” Maya said, wiping away another tear, “Yeah. I realized some stuff and I went and begged her to forgive me and she took me back.”
“She sounds like an amazing woman,” Dr. Lewis said, scratching some stuff down in her notebook.
“She is,” Maya said, nodding, “I never would have taken me back if I were her.”
“Why?” Dr. Lewis said, looking up.
“What?” Maya said.
“Why wouldn’t you take you back if you were her?” Dr. Lewis asked as Maya looked up at her.
“Because I’m broken,” Maya said as if it were obvious, “Because I messed everything up and I was awful to her and no one should have to deal with this mess, especially not Carina.”
“So you think you’re not worthy of her?” Dr. Lewis asked.
“Not really,” Maya said, shaking her head.
“Why?” Dr. Lewis said, curiously.
“What do you mean why?” Maya said, a little agitated, “Did you not just listen to what I said? I messed up so much.”
“So you think people can’t make mistakes and be forgiven for them?” Dr. Lewis asked.
“Well, everyone makes mistakes,” Maya said.
“But just not you?” Dr. Lewis said.
“I make mistakes all the time,” Maya said with a sigh.
“But you don’t think people deserve forgiveness?” Dr. Lewis said.
“No,” Maya said, “Of course they do.”
“But you don’t deserve forgiveness,” Dr. Lewis stated more than asked. Maya didn’t say anything, just looking down.
“Why don’t you think you deserve forgiveness?” Dr. Lewis pressed.
Maya bit her lip, trying to keep more tears from falling down her face. They just sat in silence for a minute, Maya not wanting to answer the question.
Finally, Maya looked up a little, still not meeting Dr. Lewis’s eye, “Because what I did was unforgivable.”
“But Carina said she forgave you, right?” Dr. Lewis said.
“But I don’t know how,” Maya said, “I’m having a hard time believing she would forgive me.”
“If she did what you did, would you forgive her?” Dr. Lewis asked.
Maya thought for several minutes, running scenarios in her head before answering, “I think I would. I think it would be hard, but I think I would.”
“Why?” Dr. Lewis asked.
“Because I love her,” Maya said, tears filling her eyes again.
“Do you think she loves you?” Dr. Lewis asked.
“She says she does,” Maya said, wiping at her tears again.
“Do you believe her?” Dr. Lewis asked, writing again.
“I…I…I want to,” Maya said, stumbling over her words, “I think I do, but it’s hard to. I don’t know.”
“Why is it hard for you to believe her when she tells you she loves you?” Dr. Lewis asked.
“Because I’ve never had anyone say they loved me before,” Maya said, biting her lip so hard it almost started bleeding, “Except my little brother and even he hasn’t said it in a long time. I guess maybe it’s hard to believe I’m worthy of her love, especially because of everything I did.”
“Has she ever lied to you before?” Dr. Lewis asked.
“No,” Maya said, shaking her head.
“Then shouldn’t you believe her now?” Dr. Lewis asked.
Maya slowly nodded, not even trying to stop the tears that were running down her cheeks.
“I think it’s good you called,” Dr. Lewis as she set her pen down, “Unfortunately, our hour is up for today. I will be back next Tuesday if that’s alright with you, before your shift, right?”
“Yeah,” Maya said, nodding, “Thanks.”
“And before I see you again,” Dr. Lewis said as Maya stood up, “I want you to spend five minutes every day writing down all the times Carina was honest with you. It can be anything from her favorite color to something bigger, but I want you to realize that what she is telling you is real.”
Maya nodded, wiping her eyes again.
“Thank you, Diane,” Maya said, shaking her hand, “I’ll see you next week.”
Maya walked out of the office, glad she had worn running attire today. She shot Carina a text, telling her she was going for a run and then she would bring lunch by the hospital. Carina texted her back, telling her that she would see her soon.
Maya ran for a while, just needing to calm down and get in a better headspace before she went to see Carina. Then, she ran to their favorite place near the hospital, grabbing lunch for both of them before walking to the hospital.
“Hi Bella,” Carina said, smiling as she walked into the office, “How was it?”
“Overwhelming, challenging, frustrating, hard” Maya said, going to Carina and giving her a kiss, “But it was good.”
“I am very proud of you,” Carina said, smiling as she and Maya moved to the couch to have lunch.
Maya just smiled as they opened their food, feeling a little more relaxed than she had in a long time.