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Just Friends

Chapter Text

f r i e n d s

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They say your friends are a reflection of yourself, they hold tiny pieces of you. Well, I feel as if I've given my whole self to just one person and that person is my best friend, Jung Jaehyun. 

Oh, wait, let me introduce myself. My name is Lee Taeyong and I'm a twenty-year-old senior. I attend a co-ed boarding school in Korea and I'm so happy that I'll finally graduate from this shithole, this year. 

My parents sent me here three years ago. Of course, as usual, I was reluctant to come. It was for my own good, they said. They figured I would benefit from the extra lessons and strict system, but in actuality, they just wanted the house to themselves. Selfish. It's not that I don't love them, I do, but...they have the weirdest concepts and ways of showing they care, that makes me wonder if I'm even their biological son.

When I just came here, I was such a loser. Practically an outcast and I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Making new friends was always awkward and a hard task, so I mostly stayed to myself, trying to avoid trouble or attention, and that was the plan this time as well. 

It wasn't until the second week of attending this school, when I was approached by a Japanese student, that my plan came crumbling down. However, I'm not entirely sad that it did. 

Truth be told, if it hadn't been for my current friends, I probably wouldn't have made it this far. Speaking of friends, my closest friends include Yuta, the mentioned Japanese kid who approached me. He's very athletic and enjoys cracking jokes in class, a class clown at it's finest. 

There's also a Thai student named Ten. He's quite sassy and confident, I've never met anyone like him. And then we have, Winwin, he moved from China to Korea. He's really quiet but can be a savage when you least expect it.

Lastly, my secret crush and best friend, Jaehyun. He is scarily good at everything and nice to everyone, it's no surprise that everyone else is also in love with him, boys and girls alike. These past three years, we have gotten so close and practically do everything together. 

Together we call ourselves the foreign swaggers. No, I didn't make up this name, it's super cringey. 

In general, I would agree that I'm not much of a people's person. I'm not the most popular in this school, but ever since my current friends practically adopted me into their circle, I've been acquainted with quite a few of our classmates, most of which are on first name basis.

I did mention that this school is co-ed, right? Ugh, it makes things a lot more stressful and complex. Imagine the competition you'd have with both sexes, its immensely overwhelming, especially if your crush is someone as perfect as Jung Jaehyun. And so because of this, I was always reluctant to confess, afraid of being rejected and uncertain to what Jaehyun preferred. 

He's practically friendly to everyone, the most popular guy at our school, basically. At any rate, anyone would be confused and think that they have a chance, but those who lack self confidence would shy away from him because of his strong aura. Sigh, unfortunately I'm one of those people. I just don't want to ruin the thing we got going for us right now. About that thing, you'll know soon enough. 

Anyway, my hobbies aren't many, but some things I do enjoy in life includes cooking, music and art. I sometimes dabble in a little photography here and there, but I'm no Ansel Adams. Ever heard of anyone having many talents, but not a single discipline? Well that's me, except, I'm not talented. 

If you asked me what the hell I want to be when I grow up, I honestly have no answer. I think I'd just want to be happy, if that's even remotely possible. Is there a job with that description? Sign me up, if you find one. 

Enough of my backstory, let me tell you the story of my first love, this story may or may not be happy but I hope you'd listen to it anyway.


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Chapter Text

 

c o n t r o l⠀ m e

 

"Remedy that lets all your troubles go away. Makes you forget everything."

 

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I woke up in my bed, feeling too comfortable to move a single muscle. I forced myself to sit up, shifting the comforter to my side. Ugh, another day of school, I can't wait until it's all over. I slowly made my way to my dresser to take out my outfit for the day and head to the shared shower to get ready.

 

Once I'm through showering and fully clothed, I made my way to the kitchen to get my breakfast and was greeted by my flatmate Lucas. He goes to the same school but we don't see each other often since he's in a lower class, "Hey Tae" he called as he opened the fridge taking out the milk. He was topless and wore boxers. Initially I'd been shocked but I quickly got used to it. Plus, he's not really my type after all. 

 

Shortly after, his boyfriend Jungwoo came out in a similar condition rubbing his eyes, "Morning Taeyong" he greeted which I waved to him in response. They've been together for over a year now, our first meeting being unfavourable and something I'd rather not remember. 

 

"Hey Lucas, Hey Jungwoo" I went to the dish rack looking for a bowl and a spoon and grabbed the box of cereal from the cupboard. Lucky charms, my favourite cereal. If only it could actually give me some real luck. 

 

I made my way over to our small table, having a seat on the wooden chair and poured the dry cereal into the bowl, "hey Lucas, pass the milk, will ya?" They both joined me at the table and we started to eat in comfortable silence.

 

After I ate my breakfast, I looked at the time on my watch and noticed it was almost time for first period. I quickly grabbed my bag and left the other two to finish their food as they were obviously in no current haste. 

 

Our dorms are connected to the school, located in a separate building but in walking distance. It makes things convenient. The whole place is gated and we're not permitted to go out on the weekdays, quite depressing, really. However, weekends are totally free, at least there's that.

 

Since it's a co-ed school there are two separate dorms for girls and boys. Psh, like that even stops them from finding ways to hook up. Once I exit my room, I slung my backpack around my shoulder and headed down the stairs, passing other students on the way.

 

As soon as I got out of the dormitories, I ran across the school lawn. I greeted the schools gardener, Johnny. He was very cool and chill, probably the only staff member of the school who wasn't a prude. 

 

The golden leaves crunched below my feet as I sprinted towards the main door, in hopes to reach my homeroom class before the first bell rung. Other students also ran ahead into the main entrance dispersing to their destination. 

 

I climbed the stairs, nearly missing a step and caught my grip on the railing of the staircase. That was a close one. After I regained composure, I hurried down the hall, finding my way to my homeroom class, huffing from the exertion. Did I mention, I hate sports?

 

When I finally got into my seat I plopped down with my bag on the table, the bell sounded and I let out a sigh of relief. Just then my friend Yuta turned around to grin at me. "Wow, aren't you lucky", I grinned back at him and shook my head. He's the most athletic guy of our class, if not the entire school. He's also a self-proclaimed class clown, but in actuality he's more savage than funny. 

 

"Good morning students!" I heard my homeroom teacher exclaim and then first period of class began.

 

As the class progressed I could hear Yuta infront of me snoring. I chuckled softly, amused to see that he had been asleep. I don't fault him, this class was a free ticket to snooze-ville. The lecturer continued to speak about boring things such as trigonometry and other useless theories which I would never use in my life. 

 

I stretched my arm out on my desk and placed my head on it as I listened, hoping my brain would turn into a sponge to absorb this boring drabble. 

 

As I turned my head to the side, ready to shut my eyes and join Yuta to dreamland, I noticed someone staring at me in my peripheral vision, it was him, the one that started all of this mess. Jung fucking Jaehyun, my best friend and the guy I am in love with. 

 

At first it was an innocent, harmless crush, but overtime it developed into something more. Now, everytime I see him, my heartrate would accelerate, stop and restart all over again. I feel like all of the oxygen in my body has been dissolved into nothing. 

 

I've been secretly crushing on him for the past two years. I never had the courage to confess but something I never expected ever in my wildest dreams happened. What, you may ask? Well, let's say that we have a sort of arrangement. It's purely physical and I accept that. We satisfy each other any way we can and it works. It's been going on for nearly a year, but lately I couldn't help but feel like I want more than this. 

 

I'm trying not to be greedy but I keep wondering how long can this go on for? Until he's tired of me and finds someone new or worse, discovers my feelings. No, no, no, that can never happen! I'm snapped out of my reverie when I heard the teacher yell, "Will someone wake Nakamoto up?" 

 

I turned my head forward, as the other students bursted into laughter to see a startled Yuta, awoken from his blissful dreams.

 

Once everyone had calmed down, I glanced at Jaehyun, he was still staring, "what?" I mouthed with a raised brow. He then pointed at his phone, which was under the desk in his lap. He quickly peered forward to check if the teacher was looking and stared back at me. Getting the subliminal message, I pulled out my phone to see a new text. 

 

 

My Messages

 

Jaehyun

Janitors room. Come ⠀⠀17 secs ago

out in 10 mins 

 

------------------------------------

 

Yuta

im so bored ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀         2 hours ago

please shoot m....

 

I gulped at the message. I looked over to him and watched as he got out of his seat and exited the classroom. Of course, Mr. Class president can just get up and leave as he pleases. After the time he told me had passed, I too got up, excusing myself to the restroom and went outside the classroom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I walked down the hallway, it was empty as most students were inside and attending their classes. Of course there were the ones like us who were out roaming around, hoping not to get caught. 

 

After turning the corner, I spotted the door to the Janitors closet beside the top of the stairway. I peeped behind me, making sure that no one would see me as I went to grab hold of the knob, twisting it open.

 

I opened the door of the Janitors store room to see Jaehyun sitting on the floor in the corner to the left. He looked up to me, "Nice of you to join me in my office" he commented displaying his infamous nefarious dimple decored smile. Oh, that shouldn't be allowed.

 

I shook my head at him, "What the hell, Jae. School just started" I pointed out, shutting the door quietly behind me. Not that I was really complaining since I'm not that studious. 

 

"What can I say, I need you now, you're like a drug. Now come over here" he said and leaned forward to grab ahold of my hand, bringing me down onto his lap. My heart thumped at the praise and the sudden proximity. No matter how many times we were intimate, it'll never sink in how nervous he makes me.

 

I sat straddled across his lap, my knees bent at each side of his thighs, sitting atop his crotch. He pressed his lips on mine and held me by my waist. I mewled when his hands disappeared under my shirt, kneading their way into the curves of my body. 

 

Jaehyun bit my bottom lip, drawing it into his mouth and sucking on it until it began to throb. He started to move his lips down the contour of my jaw and peppered my neck with kisses. I shut my eyes and moaned softly, rolling my hips subconsciously to feel something more. 

 

"Hey! You boys! Get back to class!" I stilled as I heard the headmaster yell outside the door. My eyes widened in horror as I stared at Jaehyun, "Jae-" I fretted and was cut off as he placed his hand over my mouth. He put up a finger over his lips, signaling me to be quiet and then continued to suck on the junction of my neck. 

 

It didn't take long until I had forgotten the idea of being caught here and in this position. I sighed into his hand, completely contented with the way his other hand slid down to my waist, moving me back and forth on his lap. It was no secret, he was already hard and his boner was struggling against the fabric of his jeans.

 

When he removed his lips from my neck I stared at him in confusion. "Help me out here, Tae" he muttered breathlessly and placed his hands on my shoulders, pushing me down and between his legs. I fixed my position, kneeling lowly and on my elbows, as he leaned back against the wall, staring at me. 

 

I slowly undid his belt and zipper, gaining access to his boxers. With a determined tug his cock sprung free, bobbing momentarily. I stared into his eyes, they only had pleads, asking me to be good to him. 

 

I used to think that I was never truly good at anything, but Jaehyun makes me feel as if I'm the best at what I do to him. When I touch him the way he likes, how he wants me to. Not to mention the sound he makes when I go beyond my limit, just to accommodate him, to make him feel good. It's almost like he's cheering me on. 

 

I can't describe the way he makes me feel. It's nearly an oxymoron, the way he touches me like I'm the most prized trophy he's won in his life and also as if I mean nothing to him at all, all at the same time.

 

Tilting my head I dragged my tongue along his shaft from the base to the tip. I supported myself, haunching on my folded legs and wrapped my hand around the base of his cock, stroking his length up and down. 

 

"F-fuck, Tae" he moaned as I brought the tip of his cock into my mouth and began to suck it slowly. Gripping on to the base, I bobbed my head moving his cock deeper in and out of my mouth. He grunted lowly and that gave me courage to continue, to know I'm doing what he likes. 

 

I pushed it further into my mouth, bearing with the discomfort for a while until it touched the back of my throat and quickly pulled it out, stroking his shaft at a steady pace. His hand came to my head, petting me and giving a hazy smile. 

 

I then rubbed the head of his cock along my lips, smearing the beading fluid at the tip. I licked the slit, tasting the salty flavour of his precome. 

 

"Stop teasing, Taeyong or I'll fuck you here" he scolded me, and I was somehow disappointed that he wasn't going to. 

 

He gripped my jaw and pushed the head against my mouth. I opened my lips, allowing him entrance. Jaehyun bucked his hips as he fucked into my mouth with his cock. Like this, when he's like this it makes me wonder what he's thinking. As he selfishly chases his own high. 

 

Soft whimpers escaped my mouth and his grip on my jaw loosened. Instead, he held the base of his cock pressing it into my cheek and pulling it out to watch it bulge, poking my cheek out. 

 

"Ahh, I'm gonna come" he hissed and I hollowed my cheeks to suck him better, wet sounds being produced from the friction. He stopped moving and so I took over, sliding him in and out of my mouth, a mixture of our fluids escaping the corners of my lips.

 

He tensed and then I felt his warm liquid spewing into my mouth. I swallowed involuntarily, causing me to cough from the unexpected action. I pulled his cock out, staring at the handiwork I made. His cock glistened and twitched from the aftershock of his orgasm. 

 

I looked up to see him with his bottom lip captured in his teeth and his eyes shut tightly. Jaehyun like this is something I wish only I could see. Only mine, even if it's this way. Only mine. 

 

We stayed until we both had calmed down, especially my painful erection. He assured that he'd take care of me later and I literally beamed at the promise. This was what I liked most, we both benefitted from this arrangement. 

 

Once our highs were worn out, we checked if the coast was clear. I returned first and he waited a few minutes after to come back not to raise suspicion. None of our friends know about our arrangement and we don't intend on letting them find out. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The classes went by quickly, believe it or not, and then it was time for lunch. We went to sit at our usual table, meals on the trays in front of us. I sat next to Yuta while, Winwin, Ten and Jaehyun sat on the other side. 

 

"Oh my God, why is Mr. Kim always out to get me?!" Yuta wailed, palming his face in his hands. I laughed at him and the rest of our friends shook their heads at his overexaggeration. "Also, where did you two go off to in first period?" Yuta turned to me and looked at both Jaehyun and I with inquiring eyes. 

 

I shifted my eyes to look at Jae who simply shrugged, "I needed to take a piss and then I went to chill outside for a while", he hadn't looked at me when he said it. Yuta simply rubbed his chin and squinted at us. I envied him for being so calm and collected. Unlike him, I would crack under pressure if anyone would ever torture it out of me. 

 

We finished our meals and the bell rung for the last blocks of classes. We returned to our class and waited for the next lesson to begin. I opened my book as we waited for our lecturer to turn up, they were five minutes late and I honestly wished that it'd mean we would get a free period. However, my wish was shortlived as they sauntered into the class, briefcase and all. 

 

Behind him, a young female with long hair and a lean figure came in. I stared at her, she seemed cute, and she surely seemed the type to be popular amongst guys. The howls and attention she gained as she walked to stand at the front of the class proved my theory right. I suddenly felt a dip in my heart as I glanced over to see Jaehyun's gaze lingering on the new girl and his eyes slightly crinkling in amusement. 

 

I stared from him to her to see that they were staring at each other. Did they know each other? I wasn't getting a good feeling and my body began to feel extra warm. A heat was rising from the depths of my core and the blood in my body running cold in tandem. 

 

"Class, this is a transfer student from America, Kim Chung-ha", she smiled and bowed her head, her long hair dangling only to be replaced perfectly when she raised her head again. 

 

"Hello everyone, I hope to get along well with you all." she declared and I saw she gave a small wave to Jaehyun who waved back at her. 

 

They definitely know each other. Something tells me this isn't good. 

 

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Chapter Text

 

r e c a l l

 

"I let you hit me off, I won't do 

that again."

 

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I watched as the new girl, Chungha, went to the empty desk beside Jaehyun. She took a seat, and I could see they both smiled warmly at one another. 

 

The class then began but I was too distracted, more than I wished to admit, that they were now deskmates. I could hardly pay attention to the lesson as I would always glance over to their direction when any slight movements occurred. 

 

Once our classes ended I began to pack my things. I then got up, ready to walk back to the dorm but that's when Jaehyun approached Yuta and I at our desks. Behind him stood Chungha who gave us a dazzling smile. 

 

"Cozy with the new girl already?" Yuta smirked which made Jaehyun chuckle and shake his head. I remained silent, not sure of what to say. I honestly wanted to disappear. 

 

"Actually Chungha and I go way back when I used to live in America. I wanted to introduce you guys." Jaehyun began, looking from her to us then fixating his gaze on her, "These are two of my best friends, Yuta and Taeyong" he said as he pointed at each of us respectively.

 

Yuta extended a hand towards her, whereas I gave a small smile trying to be friendly. I was afraid to speak in case my voice might crack. She smiled back at me and I felt slightly guilty for disliking her without knowing her. 

 

"Anyway guys, I'll catch up with you later. I need to follow her to the office to collect the rest of her schedule." Jaehyun said and then went on his way with her after we said goodbye.

 

Yuta and I exited the classroom to go down the stairs and back to our dorms. I don't know why Jaehyun had to act like a class president at this moment. It's not unusual for him to be helpful but I find him going above and beyond for this girl. 

 

"-yong? Taeyong?" I heard Yuta call me. "Yes?" I asked, looking at him. We were now outside of the main building and walking across the lawn. I must have been too preoccupied in my thoughts to realize he had been talking all this time. 

 

"I was saying, didn't Winwin's outfit look nice today? I want to get the same shirt, it looked cool" he said and I shook my head at his obvious mention of our Chinese friend. He had been infatuated with him since I got here but refused to admit it. If Winwin ever chose to wear shit on his head, Yuta would still find it cute. I can't really judge him though, cause I'm the same. 

 

I wish I wasn't so affected by Jaehyun, so that I could hide my feelings for as long as possible. As long as he doesn't find out, it doesn't matter. So that we can remain the way we are, no matter how selfish or greedy I get, I would prefer being the only person he can turn to for release. His only stress reliever.

 

Whatever else Yuta was saying was merged into a blur as I continued to be drowned in my own thoughts. If only we hadn't kissed at that party, would things turn out the way they were now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A year ago....

 

"You're still coming right?" Yuta asked me while we talked on the phone. Yuta and Ten were throwing a party at their dorm. They invited a few guys from our year group and some others who were close to them from the years below us.

 

I glanced in the mirror on my wall assessing my outfit, a grey t-shirt and black skinny jeans. It was dull enough not to draw any attention, I hoped. "Yeah, yeah. I can invite my roommate right? He said he wanted to come" I said.

 

"Yeah, no problem, don't forget to bring the goods" he snickered and so I rolled my eyes as if he could see me. "Aye, aye, Captain" I joked and then hung up. I grabbed my bag off of my bed and headed to my room door.

 

It was just my luck. I lost a bet and had to be the one to buy the liquor for the party. Sneaking it in was a whole new experience for me. I legit nearly pissed myself when the security stopped us at the gate, only to record our names and room numbers. 

 

I went across the hall, heading over to Lucas's door. I gave it a few light knocks, "Lucas, come on, I'm leaving now", I went towards the dorm door to wait, "Yeah, I'm coming!" he shouted from inside his room before he came running out, putting on his denim jacket. 

 

We left our room and climbed the stairs going two flights up to Yuta and Tens room. On the way we spotted Winwin and his roommate, someone from the same year as us. I think I recalled he said that his name was Jung-something and also Korean, super cheery and clingy - which Winwin always complained to us about during lunch. 

 

"Hey Winwin" I called to him and nodded to the guy he was with who also smiled at my roommate. We introduced ourselves then afterwards, we all went to the room together and entered through the opened door. 

 

Loud music could be heard playing from the bluetooth speakers inside and there were already a few persons there sitting and standing around the room. There were bowls of snacks on the coffee table in front of the couch. 

 

Every dorm looked more or less the same with a shared bathroom in the middle of the hallways leading to two bedrooms on opposite ends of the room as well as one couch, a coffee table and a small television in the main room and a joint kitchen with all the basic features with a small square shaped four-seater wooden table to the side.

 

I went to put the bottles of booze on the table next to the other drinks and found a corner at the side to avoid the need for sparking useless conversation. Old habits die hard, they say. 

 

The party was now at it's peak. I stood at the same corner I designated as mine with a cup in my hand of Yutas concoction of soft drinks and liquor. I sipped it slowly as I'm not really much of a drinker, anything bitter makes me feel sick but actually, I can't drink that well. 

 

Jaehyun and Ten were on the couch talking to some members from our class, they each had been drinking as well. Ten was probably on his third drink by now. There were a few people dancing and rocking to the music being played, even I occasionally nodded my head when a song I knew would come on. 

 

Yuta was playing beer pong with Winwin and three other guys in the kitchen. They were pretty loud even over the music. Yuta already seemed pretty far gone as he would lean on Winwins shoulder, laughing his ass off when he would miss the shot. 

 

Just looking at all the mess that was already made around the dorm was making me nervous, but I calmed down when I remembered it wasn't my room anyway.

 

I drank a few more sips of my drink until the urge to pee crept up on me. I placed it on the floor where I stood, heading towards the bathroom. Moving in between the people playing board games on the floor and other mess on the floor I finally made it to the other end of the room.

 

I grabbed the handle, opening the bathroom door and my eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. I saw Jungwoo bent over the sink, with his pants pulled down and Lucas doing, oh you know very well what he was doing. I was stunned, it took me a few seconds before I finally shut the door and went back to my corner. I regret not knocking, it would've saved me from this scarring incident. 

 

Minutes later, the two of them emerged from the bathroom instantly looking in my direction. Jungwoos face was as red as a tomato and he parted from Lucas going towards the kitchen where Winwin was. As for Lucas, he went to sit on the floor beside where Jaehyun and Ten were seated. His eye contact with me was kept to a minimum and I also avoided staring at him for too long. Surely, the three of us had already locked this away as our own unsaid secret.

 

After a while people left leaving Jaehyun, Ten, Yuta, and Winwin as well as our roommates. We sat in a circle ready to start the real party. A game of truth or dare. The music was turned down, playing softly in the background. 

 

By now everyone except for me was basically somewhat buzzed or borderline wasted. The added rule was to drink if you couldn't perform or answer the questions asked of you and so we each had a cup of liquor in front of us. I hoped that I could avoid getting dared into something or having to drink this filth. 

 

We did a game of rock, paper, scissors in order to decide who would start first. Ten was the one to lose so he was the first victim. "Truth or dare, Chit" Yuta snarled which caused Ten to slap him in the back of the head, "truth" he then said, after some thought.

 

Yuta rubbed his head as he thought of a question to ask then a smirk formed on his lips, "Who is the most inappropriate person you've fantasized about?" He narrowed his eyes looking at Ten. 

 

All of our eyes were trained on Ten expectantly waiting for his response. "Umm...the gardener?" He admitted with a sly grin. "Oh my God! Johnny??" Yuta wailed, "what? He's fucking hot shirtless" Ten commented and then we all bursted out in laughter. 

 

Ten then pointed back at yuta, "truth or dare?" Yuta answered truth without a moments thought."If you could only get head or do penetrative sex for your whole life, which would you choose?" Ten gave a smug look at Yuta who was slightly phased by his question. "Oral, cause I mean, you can get more out of it?" 

 

"That's fair" I uttered thoughtlessly and the rest of the guys nodded in agreement. Yuta chose winwin to go next, who chose a dare. Yuta then dared him to suck on his finger for thirty seconds. I think he enjoyed it a lot more than he should have but we all brushed it off. 

 

Next it was my turn. I chose a truth just to be safe from things like that happening. "What do you think is the sexiest body part of the same sex? What'll it be yong yongie?" He asked me and my eyes glanced briefly at Jaehyun seated across from me. My eyes automatically found place on his mouth, "lips" I said, looking down at the floor. 

 

I then asked Yuta if he would rather dominate or be dominated and he chose to dominate when he chose truth again and then he pointed at Lucas who also chose to tell a truth. "Have you ever been caught?" Yuta questioned him and then my eyes widened and Jungwoos face was flushed. Lucas looked at me briefly and chose to drink instead of share. 

 

"Oh, come on!" Yuta exclaimed and then decided he should choose another victim. This time he chose Jaehyun, "truth or dare, Jung?", "dare of course" Jaehyun replied with a smile that exposed his dimples. He broke the truth cycle and seemed so confident about it. Yuta clapped his hands in excitement, "I dare you to take off your shirt for the remainder of the game" he said and Jaehyun shrugged as if it was nothing.

 

I watched as he grabbed the hem of his shirt bringing it up and over his head. He then took it off fully and I couldn't help but admire his wondrous deiform body. I nervously gulped at the fragility of my imagination and the titillating view before me. I had to peel my eyes away to focus on the cup in front of me instead. 

 

Jaehyun then decided to choose Jungwoo, "dare" he said and seconds later I could see the regret in his face while he was nervously waiting for his task. "Show me the sexiest picture in your phone" Jaehyun said in a flirtacious way, which caused us all to stare at him accusingly. 

 

Jungwoo gazed over at Lucas momentarily before pulling his phone from his back pocket. He then swiped through it for a while until he had found what he was searching for. 

 

He then handed the phone face down to Jaehyun who took it and quickly laid on his back, covering it from others view. Shortly after, he sat back up and nodded his head with a smile, "it was cute" he stated as he handed Jungwoo back his phone. 

 

I could see Lucas visibly tense at Jaehyuns statement and I too felt the same way. Jungwoos cheeks were flushed from the compliment but soon he regained himself. He then selected Ten, who chose a dare. "sing the chorus to a song you had sex to" he said softly with a toothy smile. 

 

Ten bursted out in laughter then rubbed his chin, deep in thought trying to recall a song, "say my name, say my name, when no one is around you..." he bellowed and moved his hands and body to the tune he could remember the song had.

 

Ten then glanced around to each of us. I was nervous for some reason because he had that crazy glint in his eyes. He then stopped at Jaehyun and pointed to him. Jaehyun then started taunting Ten with his hands, telling him to lay it on him. 

 

Ten then asked, "truth or dare, little Jae?" and Jaehyun thoughtlessly answered "dare me" and the look in Tens eyes changed and he smirked. "I dare you to tongue kiss Taeyong." I gasped, "what?? Why involve me Ten?" I stared at him in disbelief. 

 

I was uncertain if he could tell my feelings. I wasn't disgusted by the thought of kissing Jaehyun at all but more shocked that Ten would dare him to do something like that. "Tae has to agree for me to do it" Jaehyun said which made me stare at him, he just stared at me with gentle eyes as if asking me permission. My throat began to feel itchy, "f-fine" I stuttered, in order not to spoil the fun.

 

He then crawled to me quicker than I could respond to, holding the back of my neck and bringing me forward into a searing kiss. Our lips moving together like clockwork and his tongue entered into my mouth, exploring it, leaving me to discover the tantilizing mystery of his taste. And from then it all began, the curiosities and wonders of our lascivious relationship. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After the party we would meet up privately to make out. It was great and all, until it didn't satisfy us anymore. That's when we started giving each other handies. 

 

The first time we did it, we were so nervous we couldn't stare each other in the face. It was really awkward and when I asked him what this made us, he said we would be the same way we always were, just a little bit more. 

 

I had hopes that he was going to say we could date but turned out he meant we could be friends with benefits. In all honesty, I'll take anything I can get as long as it's from him and so I agreed. I mean, who'd really say no to having their fantasies come to life, am I right?

 

A month later, Jaehyun called me on the phone. I was in my dorm room doing my homework when I heard the phone ring. I picked it up immediately as it was pretty late and he wouldn't usually call at this hour.

 

"Hey Jae, what's up?" I asked almost immediately. He didn't reply to me, I could only hear him breathing and right away I knew that something must have been bothering him. "Jae...?" I tried again.

 

"Can I....can I come over?" He finally spoke, and the tone in his voice was so low it was almost a whisper.

 

"Yeah, of course." I said without hesitation.

 

After a few minutes the knock on the dorm room door was heard and I went to it, letting him in and leading him to my room. When we got inside we sat side by side on my bed. I watched as he slouched and hid his face in his palms.

 

"Is it your dad again?" I questioned, from experience of being Jaehyuns best friend for the past three years. I've come to know about his peeves and usually, more times than none, it involved his father.

 

He nodded his head and turned to look at me, "he doesn't understand how hard it is for me. I get the top marks in the class but he still can't be bothered to care. Yet he has the audacity to order me to apply to attend SNU." he confided and I could see the look of hurt and disdain. 

 

I reached my hand out, bringing him into my chest and he held me closely, silently crying onto my shoulder. We stayed like this for how long, I don't know, but all I know is that once he was calm, we began to kiss. 

 

He laced his lips with mine and we kissed much slower and gentler than the other times. My heart danced around in my chest feeling his supple lips moving against mine. I closed my eyes and interlocked my hands behind his nape, pulling him closer, savouring the divine sensation. 

 

He began to lick along my lips before moving his tongue into my mouth. I allowed him to venture into my cavern, his tongue brushing along mine frequently. Jaehyun then placed firm kisses along my jawline causing soft moans to expel from my lips. 

 

He then pushed me down into the bed as he hovered over my body. He continued placing kisses along my neck while moving his hands to my waist and rolling my shirt upwards. He moved down to my chest, finding his way to my nipple. "Ahh" I cried when he softly bit it before taking it into his mouth. 

 

He sucked on it making me writhe from the stimulation but he gripped my hip to keep me in place. My fingers trailed through his hair as he continued his ministrations. After he was satisfied with his abuse, he paused to look at me, "Tae, can we do more this time?" He asked and it didn't take me long to understand what he meant. 

 

I then leaned to the side to pull the drawer of my bedside table open. I took out a foil packet, tossing it to him, which made him smirk devilishly, "prepared are we?" I could feel the heat spreading over my cheeks, "Better safe than sorry" I simply responded and then he continued kissing down my tummy. 

 

He swiftly pulled my pants down and off, then repeating with my boxers leaving me exposed from the waist down. Jaehyun then splayed his hands on my thighs. He rubbed them up and down soothingly before I felt a wet sensation on my cock. "J-Jae, what are you-" I said but couldn't finish when he took me into his hot mouth. "Hang tight, Tae" he replied when he detached from my shaft. 

 

I trembled at the feeling of his mouth downing me with precise motion. He then removed his lips from around my member and gripped it with both hands, pumping it in his fist. I moaned and threw my head back into the pillow being overwhelmed by the winding ropes in the pits of my stomach. 

 

Stars flashed before my eyes when I unloaded my come onto his fist and various places on my chest. I glanced down to see him spreading my come along his fingers. "I'm gonna prep you, tell me if it hurts, okay?" He said as his finger made it's way to my entrance. I nodded curtly and spread my legs, with my knees bent, giving him more access.

 

"Ugh" I winced when he placed the first finger in, he began moving it in and out slowly. "You okay?" He asked me immediately, I could hear the concern in his voice. I just nodded, urging him to continue. 

 

After a while, he began to thrust his fingers deeper into my hole and I felt my cock starting to get hard again. He entered a third finger causing me to whimper. I trembled slightly when he would graze the bundles of my nerves.

 

I began rolling my hips, begging him to hit that sweet spot once more. Instead he pulled his fingers out leaving me breathless and disappointed. Jaehyun then rose from the bed to undo his pants and boxers, kicking them aside on the floor. He searched the bed for the condom and slid it over his erected cock. 

 

I stared at him as he held my hips, guiding the tip of his cock into my hole. "Ahh...Jaehyun.." I mewled when he buried himself in me slowly, his hands moving to the underside of my thighs pushing them towards my chest. He laid on top of me, burying his face in my neck, just breathing. Our breathing matched, both already spent when we were just getting started. 

 

He stayed still for a while, then began sucking the skin of my neck. "Jae?" I called to him, my hand reaching up to pet his back. He glanced up to me, "is it hurting, Tae?" His eyebrows were furrowed together in worry. "No, I'm fine. I just want...more.." I said softly, still finding the decency to feel embarrassed in this circumstance. 

 

He chuckled softly then began thrusting agonizingly slow into me and I became like putty. "Ugh...you're so fucking tight" he let out while proceeding his tortuous ministrations. "Does it feel good?" He questioned and it almost felt as if we were normal people who dated. 

 

I gave a warm smile, "yes, it does" I then felt my walls stretching further to accomodate his length. He started to pick up the pace, pistoning his cock mercilessly. His hands remained at my hips, holding me in place. The pressure from his body moving along mine, gave my erection the friction it needed. 

 

Eventually, I began to feel the same binding in my abdomen signaling I was close, "I'm close... Jae.." I warned him and he groaned as his thrusts became sloppier, "m-me too..." he muttered into my neck. 

 

It only took a few more strokes until I was gone again, unloading milky ropes of my liquid between our bodies. My walls clenched around his length and he grunted, stilling his hips as the wave of his high hit him.

 

He then pulled out once he had steadied his breathing to lay beside me. I still panted trying to normalize my respiratory rate. I turned my head towards him, he had his eyes shut and mouth parted. Sweat slicked forehead and disheveled hair, he still looked deific. 

 

I was glad I was able to get his mind off of things even if it was for a while. We agreed that this would be a one time thing but as you know, thing's never go the way you want them to. We ended up fucking regularly until we were familiar with each other's bodies. Familiar with our likes and dislikes. Familiar with doing things out of the norm. 

 

Just, familiar. 

 

______________________________

 

Chapter Text

f e e l i n g s

 

"I love you just a little too much"

 

______________________________

 

 

I stood in the boy's change room in front of my designated locker. Before putting my backpack into it, I took out my track suit and sneakers. It was currently physical education, my most dreaded period in the entire syllabus. I placed my backpack into the locker, securing it before I went to change. 

 

Once I was dressed in the appropriate attire, I stepped out onto the open field where there were students already stretching and running around the track. I approached the bleachers on the left to see my friend Ten, seated there. 

 

He waved to me as I got closer to the bleachers. I arrived and climbed to the top where he was seated. "Hey Ten, how's it going?" I asked him, noting the preoccupation of his gaze. I followed the direction to see our school's gardener tending to the grass along the track. "Hm?" He uttered absentmindedly. 

 

"I said, how's it going? But I guess I already got my answer" I retorted, shaking my head at him. Just then, I looked over to the entrance to the changing rooms to see Jaehyun and Chungha walking side by side. They were talking, both displaying smiles and I felt my mood sour suddenly. 

 

First, I had to attend this stupid curricular session which didn't give a proper grade or had a designated teacher. It was practically a free period, except you couldn't be anywhere else during this time. The good thing at least is that you're not forced to participate, you only need to attend for the grade. 

 

By now, they've both reached the bleachers and stood at the side. "Hello Taeyong" Chungha called to me and I bow to her slowly with a small smile. Even though I don't like her, I can't be impolite. That's just not how I am. "Hey, Tae, Ten" Jaehyun greeted us.

 

"Oh, hey Jae, wait, who is this?" Ten asked as he finally scraped his eyesight away from the gardener to look at the two. 

 

Chungha smiled and waved to him, "Hello, I'm Kim Chungha. I just moved back to Korea this week," and Ten smiled back. "Oh, welcome to this shithole" he replied and I elbowed him in his side for his indecent remark. "What Tae? Am I lying?" he muttered while rubbing his side. 

 

"You're not wrong, but still..." I said nervously and looked at her with an apologetic smile. "It's okay, Taeyong, Jae has been telling me about it all" she chuckled softly and Jaehyun grinned his dimpled smile at her and shook his head. 

 

Jae, just how close were they? Looking at him acting that way really hurt my heart. Why was he looking at her like that? I glanced down to my lap, trying to avoid staring at the unpleasant sight further. 

 

Shortly after, Jaehyun and Chungha departed, walking in the direction of the track field to run a few laps together. 

 

My gaze finally rose to follow his back, watching as he walked away. Getting lost in his form, and drowning in the curves of his perfect proportions. "It's kinda odd for her to transfer when we're about to graduate, don't you think?" Ten questioned me, breaking me away from my trance. 

 

"I don't know? Why are you asking me that?" I snapped at him, my voice coming off more annoyed than intended. "Oh sorry, who pissed in your cheerios today?" he raised a questionable brow at me. I clicked my teeth in annoyance, rolling my eyes.

 

Just then Yuta came, sitting on the bench in front of us "what are you guys talking about?", which Ten replied, looking at him. "The new girl."

 

"Oh, Chungha? How much you wanna bet Jaehyuns hitting that already?" Yuta snickered, giving his wide toothy smile. 

 

I began to feel my palm sweat and a lump in my throat forming. That can't be true, Jaehyun isn't sleeping with anyone else. Right? I tried my best to hide my panic, fixing my gaze away from them and giving a forced smile.

 

"I'm not betting anything. You act as though boys and girls can't be platonic." Ten said making Yuta frown. Relief suddenly washed over me. Thank you, Ten.

 

Yuta then opened his mouth again, "She's already the talk of the school, people are saying she's prettier than Hwasa"

 

"Don't let her hear that or you'll become an eunuch in your young life." Ten snickered. Yuta then grabbed his crotch with a look of horror. I laughed involuntarily at the sight, feeling more relieved as the discomforting feeling dissipated. 

 

Hwasa is in the same year as us. She's what all the straight guys and even some girls call, a femme fatal because she's such girl crush material. Last year, she was labeled the most beautiful in the school in the school's version of a pageant show. I don't blame them, she's quite intriguing. 

 

It didn't take long for Yuta to leave us when he spotted our Chinese friend doing his routine traditional Chinese stretches in the middle of the track. 

 

Ten and I continued to skip out on doing any actual physical activity, chatting and occasionally laughing at Yutas inflexibility. "Excuse me, Taeyong?" I heard a soft voice say. 

 

I looked down beside the bleachers, to my right, to see a short brunette with a shy smile, staring up at me. "Hello?" I responded. She looked younger and had cutesy features, with long brown hair. I think she was a few years below me as I've never seen her.

 

Ten also turned to look at her. She looked at him expectantly and he stood up, "I'll just....go check on the gard- I mean yuta.." he smiled awkwardly and walked down the benches to the end of the bleachers. 

 

My eyes widened and I called to him, basically pleading with my soul not to be left here alone. However, as he walked away, all he did was turn around and wave mockingly.

 

I fixed my gaze back at the girl who was staring down at her hands. She held an envelope in her hand, and appeared to be nervous? "Yes, what is it?" I asked her. She then looked up at me, her eyes crinkling as she smiled. "Uh...you may not know me. My name is Yeri, I'm two years below you.... T-this is for y-you Taeyong senior..." she explained while handing the envelope to me. 

 

I leaned downwards and hesitantly took it, sensing an uncomfortable feeling coming on. I opened it as she stood by the bleachers, watching me. I suddenly felt awkward and took out the neatly folded letter from the envelope. 

 

The smell of rose petals was evident when I opened it and read the neat and polished penmanship. 'I like you' my eyes automatically focused on the ending of the letter and that uncomfortable feeling grew even stronger. 

 

"I-I...I don't know what to say.." I said lowly, focused on the letter, hardly wanting to stare her in the eyes. When I finally looked her way, I saw her looking down at her feet and I was grateful I didn't have to meet her eyes. 

 

I sighed silently, deciding to let her down as nicely as I could. "I appreciate it, I wouldn't have thought that someone actually liked me. Thank you...." I began and she looked at me, and shook her head, "No need to thank me Taeyong senior. You're really great," she replied and then I became hesitant as she smiled at me with such hope. 

 

My eyes fell on the track, finding their way to the only person they wished to see. The only person filling my heart full. "But...I like someone else" I finally let out and then looked to her again, "I'm sorry" and handed the letter back to her.

 

She shook her head and took the letter with a smile I could tell must have been difficult to produce. I know, because I could relate. 

 

For a moment, I was slightly apologetic but I thought it was for the best than to give her false hope. I watched as she turned around, walking away. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I remained on the bleachers, sheltered from the scorching sun as I watched my classmates run and do all sorts of activities. Being alone wasn't a new thing and I sometimes found it comforting not having to speak, just observe. 

 

I leaned forward, resting my hands on my knees. I was starting to get bored and hoped the period would end soon. Whose idea was it to have two hours of this thing, anyway?

 

A few minutes later, I saw Jaehyun walking towards the bleachers. His skin glistened with sweat, trailing from his forehead to his neck and parts of his hair were stuck to his forehead. 

 

I watched as he squeezed the water bottle, drinking as if he were parched for days. When he arrived, he placed his right foot on the lowest bench, resting his elbow on his knee while he stared at me. He then glanced to the opposite end of the bleachers and waved and smiled at some other students.

 

"You look bored." He finally spoke, when he looked back at me. I smiled at him, "yes, very" I answered and then he quickly gazed to the people on the opposite side before staring back at me and uttering quietly, "wanna have some fun?" And then he gave me that killer smile. At that moment I nearly felt my heart explode in anticipation. I nodded frantically standing up and joining him at the bottom.

 

I followed behind him, walking towards the entryway of the locker rooms. We entered the boys change area through the door on the left and went into a stall in the bathroom. 

 

He quickly locked the door behind us then pushed me into the wall. His lips attaching to mine swiftly as if that's where they were meant to be. I could taste the saltiness of his sweat on his lips. My tongue traced the slit of his mouth and I began to kiss his lips softly.

 

I rested my hands on his shoulder while he held my waist, pressing me into the wall and rubbing our groins together. I mewled at the friction and he took advantage, entering his tongue into my mouth. He continued to kiss me fervently, hard and ravenous. I was certain my lips could bruise from the way he abused them.

 

Jaehyun then started littering my jaw with sloppy, and wet kisses, making his way down to the junction of my neck. I wrapped my hands around his nape, holding him firm and closed my eyes. "J-Jae..." I softly exhaled. My mind danced with glee as he focused on my clavicle, branding me and marking his territory. 

 

He moved back to my jaw, nipping and tracing his tongue wherever he pleased. Suddenly, his actions got slower much to my dismay, causing me to scrunch my brows. "What did Yeri want?" and then my eyes flew open, shocked he knew that juniors name and that he was questioning me about her. "S-she confessed to me." I blurted out, unable to lie. However, I couldn't tell him that I had rejected her or he'd question why. 

 

Next thing I knew, he stilled and withdrew from my neck to look down at me, "oh?" he asked with an unreadable expression and tone. I began to feel a warmth spreading over my cheeks and looked away, only to nod to his question. 

 

He then grabbed my chin, tilting my face to look at him. I watched as he stared into my eyes, "thats.....cute." he said and he was back to pressing his lips on mine, pushing me into the hard surface again with his body. 

 

He placed his legs between mine, grinding into my crotch, and causing me to release a breathy moan. My eyes fell shut and my track pants instantly became suffocating. I felt a wet patch forming as he continued to rub his thigh on my clothed erection.

 

My breath hitched, and lewd sounds began expelling my lips as he picked up the pace. He then ground his hardened member into my hip, trying to find his own release. We continued until we both came, staining our trousers. 

 

Afterwards we went to take a shower, trying hard not to get carried away then changed back into our regular clothes to attend the rest of our classes.

 

Classes were bearable after releasing some tension but it didn't make them any less boring. However, my mind was already filled with my usual overthinking. I couldn't shake one thought from my mind. I didn't understand what he meant by 'cute'? Did he find Yeri cute? The confession? Or...no, don't delude yourself, Tae.

 

I sighed and stared mindlessly at my desk, drawing imaginary doodles into it as our lesson went on. The rest of the day faded out into a blur.

 

Chapter Text

d e n i a l

 

"Hush baby, don't you say another 

word, be quiet."

 

______________________________

 

 

"Alright class, that'd be all for today's lesson. For next weeks session please split into groups of two and come up with a two page essay on whatever topic we discussed today." The teacher declared before leaving the classroom. We were in the last period of the morning and now it was finally time for lunch. 

 

I looked over to Jaehyun to ask if he wanted to pair up again. Not only did we have physical chemistry, we also worked together well. "Jae-" I called, to get his attention, but didn't continue when I overheard Chunghas request for them to become partners. My lips pressed into a thin line when he nodded in agreement. 

 

Jaehyun turned around to look to me, giving an apologetic look and shrugged his shoulders. I groaned and looked away. How could he be so fickle? Just because she was a girl, is that why he agreed? Or was it because they went way back before he met me.

 

We have been partners for nearly two years. Now it was broken because of some girl. I mentally tried to reason my jealousy. I knew I shouldn't be too sensitive or possessive over him. I had no right. We're just friends. Aren't we?

 

I frowned and tapped Yuta on his shoulder, who had been packing his things away. "Hey Yuta, can we pair up?" I asked and he spun around to face me. "What? Did I hear that right? What about your usual partner, Mr. A student?" he raised a brow, grinning cheekily. 

 

I smiled back nervously, "I don't need to work with Jae all the time, y'know? So, do you mind?" I fibbed and began to pack my own things. "Alright, if you say so, maybe this time I can get a better grade" he then chuckled and grabbed his bag, heading to the door. 

 

"Hey, where are going??" I inquired, wondering where he was off to in such a rush. He turned to me at the doorway, "I have a meeting to attend. I'll meet you guys later" he said before stepping out of the class and leaving me behind.

 

I glanced over to Jaehyuns desk to find him alone, and standing to leave. "Let's go?" He questioned then I sighed softly and nodded. We then went in the direction of the cafeteria down the hallway. 

 

I walked slowly beside him, staring down at the floor. Jaehyun noticed, "hey Tae, I'm sorry we can't be partners this time. Next time?" I hummed in response and we proceeded to the cafeteria.

 

We had now reached inside. I took a look around to see it was bustling with students joining the line to get their meals and some walking around with trays to their usual seats. I didn't have the appetite to eat, honestly. Who would if they were in my situation?

 

"How about I treat you to some dessert?" Jaehyun offered, knowing very well that was my kryptonite. 

 

I beamed at him and nodded in excitement. It just so happens that I'm the fickle one, willing to sell my soul for a dessert. "Forgiven?" He asked and my heart fluttered at the appearance of the beautiful craters in his cheeks. "Forgiven." I affirmed with a smile and we went into the line to get our food. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once we got our food, we went to the bench we usually sat at. Ten and Winwin were already seated there and greeted us as we came. I stared at the plate before me, still unable to muster the appetite to pick apart the chicken dish on my tray. My friends were conversing amongst themselves. Occasionally, I would look up to show interest but in actuality, I was too upset to pay attention to what they were actually saying. 

 

"Where's Yuta, by the way? It's uncommon for him not to be around Winwin." Ten said out of the blue, catching all of our attentions. I raised my head, "he said he had a meeting" I said. Ten looked bemused and I shrugged as I didn't understand what Yuta meant either. 

 

"I'm sure he's been avoiding me lately." Winwin stated, causing us all to look at him. "Why do you say that?" Ten asked. "He nearly broke his dick trying to stretch with me and when I tried to help him, he said something about not wanting to become an eunuch." he replied and then Ten and I looked at each other before bursting out into laughter. Jaehyun and Winwin stared at us in bewilderment.

 

Our laughter was however cut short when Chungha walked up to our table. "Hey guys" she acknowledged us prior to facing Jaehyun, which everyone else enthusiastically greeted back. I, on the other hand, fixed my attention to the chocolate pudding on my tray, compliments of Jaehyun. She's not going to sit with us for lunch now, is she? 

 

"Hey Jae, I wanted to ask when would you be available to discuss the project later?" and my mind went blank. I tried not to react too much and listened to their conversation. "Hmm..is 6pm fine?" he questioned. "Sounds good" she agreed.

 

"Do you wanna sit with us?" Jaehyun then suggested. I began stabbing into the pudding, then ate the modicum attached at the end of the fork. Please say no, please say no.

 

"Oh, I'm going to sit with the dance team. I just joined them recently." she said and I looked up to see she was pointing in the direction of a table with Hwasa and her crew. I visibly exhaled, still avoiding staring up at them. I was unaware that I had been holding my breath all this time. 

 

I wondered if this meant she would stop hanging around him now that she had made some friends. I hoped so. Please let it be so, I chanted internally.

 

"Ah, okay. See you later then." Jaehyun responded with a smile and she agreed then said goodbye before walking to sit with the other girls. Tsk, that dreaded project. I looked around at my friends, eating a forkful of the pudding out of frustration.

 

Jaehyun turned to me, pressing the area on my forehead between my brows. "Stop furrowing. You'll get wrinkles. Is the pudding not good?" He inquired and my facial expression softened. I hadn't realized I had been scowling as well. Was my displeasure obvious? I shook my head, "it's good," I simply replied.

 

He clicked his teeth at me, "are you still upset? I thought you forgave me." he whined, which caused our other friends to get curious. "What do you mean, Jae?" Ten asked, looking between both of us. 

 

"It's nothing," I mumbled but Jaehyun proceeded. "Tae is giving me the cold treatment because we're not partners this time around." He pouted. "I'm not, it's fine and I'm fine." I said, giving a wide smile. 

 

He didn't seem convinced. I don't blame him, from the uncertainty in my tone. He picked up his spoon to scoop some of my pudding. I watched as he brought it up and held it in front of my mouth. I arched my brow at him, confused by his actions. He nodded his head, urging me to open my mouth and so I did. 

 

I took the spoonful of the dessert into my mouth, pursing my lips to scrape it off the spoons surface then flashed him a look of annoyance. Jaehyuns eyebrows raised in surprise but smiled shortly in accomplishment. 

 

Ten shook his head at us, while he blurted out, "you guys act like a married couple how often you bicker and make up." Both Jaehyun and I stared at him questionably. 

 

I had no words to say and started to laugh awkwardly. Jaehyun joined in then said, "don't be silly ten, we're just friends" he said, stoically. I continued to eat the pudding, unable to get over my disappointment. Yeah, just friends. 

 

Chapter Text

f e a r  &  l o a t h i n g

 

"Got different people inside my head. I wonder which one that they like best" 

 

______________________________

 

Shortly after Chungha left, Yuta arrived at the table. "We heard you've been avoiding Winwin." Ten abruptly stated as he sat down beside the Chinese male. "No I haven't. I've had a lot of meetings lately." Yuta replied and leaned his head on Winwins shoulder.

 

"Meetings? What meetings?" Winwin asked, turning to Yuta with eyebrows raised in disbelief. "Yeah, where did you go?" I chimed in. Yuta closed his eyes and sighed heavily. "It's about the football match tomorrow. You guys seem to forget I'm the team captain this year." And Ten retorted, "we just can't take you seriously," causing us all to laugh.

 

Yutas eyes flew open, he sat upright and clutched his chest. "Wow, that hurts guys" he said, staring at each one of us with a feigned look of pain. I snickered at the over-exaggerated expression. "You guys should come tomorrow, watch the game." He then suggested.

 

I began to feel unwell again. It's not solely because of the mere fact that I hate sports, and found them boring. It just so happens that the performance team would be there during halftime. Which meant there was a high chance, she would be there, dancing in only God knows what. The thought alone gave me goosebumps. I just didn't want to see the rest of the class fawning over them with their predatory behaviour.

 

"Er...can we not?" I tried to convince my friends against it. "We should go to support Yuta" Jaehyun suggested and Ten and Winwin nodded in agreement. 

 

"Come on Tae, it'll be fun." Ten tried to hype me up, nudging me. I pouted and slouched my shoulders. I had already lost. "Fine." I declared, feeling defeated.

 

After lunch time was over, we went to attend the rest of our lessons. It was boring, if you were wondering. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When school was over, I went with Yuta to his dorm. We were currently trying to decide on what topic to choose for our group report. My mind was not present. I was busy wondering what Jaehyun was doing right now. 

 

My mind went through a series of scenarios. Like, would they be stuck deciding on a topic, like Yuta and I? Would they be sitting really close? Oh God, what if they're alone in her room! Then I remembered that the boys are only allowed in the common area. 

 

I was snapped out of my thoughts when my phone vibrated on the coffee table in front of me. I quickly picked it up, hoping it'd be a text from him. Only to find a spam message asking if I wanted to win a new iPhone. Ugh, those are the worst. 

 

I scrolled through my phone, subconsciously opening our chat. I texted him, asking how his report was going. I waited for a couple minutes, there was no response. I guess he's too busy to text me. He must be enjoying this right now. Get it together, Taeyong. I can get busy too. 

 

Renewed with a drive to get this the hell over with, I opened my notebook. I turned the pages to the notes from the previous lesson. "Have you decided what topic we will do?" Yuta asked, staring up at me as he laid on the floor, playing a mobile game. "Not yet," I muttered and resumed scanning the page.

 

"You look tense," he said, placing his phone down to sit up and stare at me. "I-I do?" I stuttered. Yuta nodded briefly. "Is something wrong?" He questioned with a concerned expression. "I'm just stressed over this report." I stated, denying the real issue that was bothering me.

 

He patted my shoulder, and gave a warm smile. "We can do it, Tae. Let's see what we have to choose from" he stated, leaning towards me to look into my book at the topic list. "How about that emotional expression theory one?" He asked, looking at me. 

 

I thought for a few seconds, looking over the rest of topics. None of them really stood out to me so I agreed. We then got started on our report using Darwin's emotional expression theory as our topic. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It took us until minutes after nine to finish our rough draft. Since we were becoming mentally exhausted, I decided we should continue another day and finalize the rest.

 

We said our goodbyes before I began walking down the stairs and returned to my dorm.

 

After working on this topic I found myself thinking more deeply. The theory said your facial expression can tell a lot about your emotional state. Your facial muscles reaches a peak to deliver the strongest reaction to emotion. 

 

These peaks only last for a brief moment and was termed snapshot expressions. This makes it difficult but not impossible to hide your true feelings. If that was the case, my expressions couldn't be hidden. I wondered what mine would say about me. 

 

If eyes were a window to the soul. Were my facial expressions a door to my heart? Revealing my deepest thoughts? I shook off the thought, opening the door to my dorm room. I walked to my room, setting my bag down in the chair at my desk. 

 

I plopped onto my bed, breathing calmly. I don't want my true feelings to be revealed. I changed into more comfortable clothes and went to the kitchen to have a snack. Once I was finished eating, I went to throw the empty bag in the trash. "Dammit Lucas," I murmured, staring at the brimming full trash bin.

 

I decided to take out the trash and draped an oversized outerwear over my pyjamas. I walked down the stairs to step outside of the dormitories and threw the trash in the container outside. 

 

When I returned to the steps at the entrance of the dormitories, I took a seat. The cool night air trickled into the pores of my cardigan, brushing the hairs on my skin. I looked up to admire the few stars held above in the obsidian night sky. 

 

Facial expressions can be misleading but they held some truth regardless. If my expressions showed my jealousy, I can't help it after all. I know I have no right to feel that way, we are just friends. But friends don't do these things together. 

 

Whatever we are, whatever this is, I thought I'd be content forever. Now I'm not so sure. Would I really be okay with it, even if all I am is just his satisfaction? It means he needs me, somehow, doesn't it? If that's true then I'm okay with being used. That's how I'll see it.

 

I wrapped the sweater more securely around my body and noticed someone walking towards the dorms. It didn't take long for the said person to reach closer allowing me to make out who they were. It was him, of course. He must have just finished his session with Chungha.

 

Jaehyun took a seat beside me on the steps. He looked up at the sky, "what are you doing outside? You could get sick." He said, then turned to face me. "I just took out the trash... are you done with your report?" I asked, trying not to sound too inquisitive. 

 

"Yeah, we completed it all just now. Sorry I couldn't reply back to you. What about you guys?" He smiled at me. I pursed my lips and I shook my head, looking away from him. "No, not yet." I replied. 

 

Jaehyun must have sensed my dejection. He put his arm around my shoulder, bringing me closer to his chest then whispered in my ear, "What's wrong? Jealous?" I abruptly turned to face him, meeting his gaze, startled by the sudden action. "N-No, that's not it...I..I-" I muttered softly. 

 

"Aw, I thought you missed me." He said as he cut me off. His arm fell from my shoulder and he sighed heavily. "That's too bad. I would have rather been between your legs than flipping through countless pages of text." Then he shrugged his shoulders, smiling deviously.

 

"Jae!" I whisper-shouted, glancing around to see if anyone was in earshot. Not that I minded if people knew, I was more embarrassed by his statement. My face had erupted in a blush, which I thanked the dark lighting for not making it obvious. 

 

He chuckled softly then got up from the steps and walked to the doorway to go into the building. "Are you gonna sit there forever?" He uttered when he finally reached the door. I turned my head towards him and looked up at the sky for a lasting impression. 

 

"Hurry up Taeyong, or I'll lock you out," he called to me. "Coming! I'm coming!" I replied, getting up and dusting my bottoms off before walking to the doorway. 

 

The stars as my witness, I'm afraid that I can't pretend anymore.

 

Chapter Text

 

t r i g g e r e d

 

"You're cold as ice, baby, but when you're nice baby, you're so amazing in every way" 

 

______________________________

 

 

Since the football game was today, school was over by midday as most of the students were going to watch the game. When we were all packed up and ready to go, we made our way to the outdoor field. 

 

Passing the refreshments stand, we headed towards the bleachers, sitting comfortably on a bench in the middle row. Winwin and Ten sat to my left and Jaehyun sat beside me to my right. 

 

The game was just about to start as the players from each school ran out to their places on the field. Many students were cheering for our school's team. There were even handmade posters of Yutas face in the crowd. I smiled at the cut outs of his head being waved in the air. I was randomly reminded of airheads. 

 

I glanced at the other bleacher nearby to see the performance team members seated on the first row. They were wearing shorts and crop tops, exactly what I had imagined. 

 

The game progressed, our school was winning by two points, but the game had been neck and neck till now. Yuta was showing he was indeed the star player, deserving of his title as team captain. Ten even commented that he was impressed. I stood up with Winwin and Ten, cheering them on as our side took a penalty shot. 

 

Yuta looked over to the crowd, until he found us and waved and we waved back, yelling 'ganbatte' as loud as we could. He immediately smiled when he heard us speaking his language then turned back to face his team member who was going to kick the ball in the other teams goal.

 

The player missed and the halftime bell rang. We all groaned at the missed shot and sat back down. I gritted my teeth when I saw the dancers, runninng and taking their place in front of the bleachers, ready to give their performance for the halftime break.

 

Many of the males of our school whistled and clapped even before they started to dance. When I looked to my right, Jaehyun who had hardly been showing much reaction to the game even smiled broadly when they came on.

 

I sighed and rested my head into my hands, propping my elbows up on my knees. I can't believe I was being forced to watch this spectacle. After the girls were through with twirling their bodies around, they all went back to their seats.

 

Chungha on the other hand made her way to our bench, climbing the stairs connecting the two bleachers until she stopped at our row. I couldn't help but pout when Jaehyun called her over and even scooted closer to me for her to sit at his right side. At least she wasn't going to sit between us, I reasoned. 

 

"How did you guys find the performance?" Chungha asked when she sat down. We all stared in her direction. 

 

"It was great," Jaehyun replied and Ten agreed, complimenting her, "you dance so well, I think it was a good idea to join." He said and I nodded slightly. Despite not enjoying it, I couldn't deny that she did have the talent for it. I guess that's what made me dislike it even more. 

 

There was still a few more minutes until the next half of the game started and so students were lining up at the refreshment table getting snacks. Ten stood up, asking us each what we wanted. "Hot dog," Jaehyun and I both said. "Wow, you guys are so in sync, it's no surprise because you two are so close." Chungha chimed. 

 

I raised a brow at her questionably, "what do you mean?" I asked, staring at her expectantly, "Jae told me you guys do a lot of things together. Speaking of, I'm sorry for taking your usual partner. I hope you don't mind." She said, smiling ear to ear.

 

I looked at Jaehyun who had an expressionless face. He talked about me? With her? I guess they discuss everything now but I bet he hasn't told her the most interesting thing we do together. "Yeah, we do a lot of things together, don't we Jaehyunnie?" I uttered, thoughtlessly, staring at them both. "Don't worry, I was beginning to get tired of seeing his face all the time. You did me a favour." I then gave her an equally bright smile. She laughed at my statement, although I didn't mean for it to be funny. 

 

I peeked at Jaehyun, noting he had been quiet the whole time. He appeared much more stiffer than before. His eyes flickered to meet mine, unamused and unforgiving. 

 

My throat suddenly felt dry and I gulped nervously, the sudden feeling of regret growing inside. Had I been too obvious? I had only been annoyed and thought she was rubbing salt in my already gaping wound.

 

For the rest of the game I had this unsettling feeling that I said too much, because after that Jaehyun barely interacted and remained quiet till the end. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I arrived back at my dorm I was unable to concentrate on completing my homework. I couldn't shake the thought that I needed to apologize for some reason. I wondered if what I said made Jaehyun upset. Perhaps he thought I was giving away too much. 

 

I grabbed my phone from the desk and opened up our messages. 

 

 

 

Jaehyun

(xxx-xxx-xxxx)

 

---------------

 

Me

how's your report going?

2 days ago

read

 

Me

hey, are you okay?

3 seconds ago

 

Jaehyun

yeah, i'm fine

just now

 

 

I nibbled the inside of my cheek. That didn't seem like he was fine. I was certain something else was going on. I had to see for myself that he really was okay and so I decided to go to his dorm to check on him.

 

Me:

wait, i'm coming over.

just now

read

 

 

I pulled on a pair of jeans over my boxers and set out of my room to Jaehyuns dorm. Until recently the other room in his dorm had been empty. He now shared dorms with a freshman who moved from Canada. 

 

It sucks because our usual place to fool around was now occupied. Now, we could only use my room since Lucas would be out most of the time on dates with Jungwoo. Plus, we would use the excuse of studying so it wasn't suspicious, which hadn't been a total lie. 

 

I reached to Jaehyuns door, giving it a few knocks. It took a few minutes until the door was opened. Jaehyun just stepped aside, allowing me to walk in and go ahead of him, straight to his room. I sat on the edge of his bed, waiting for him to return. He came inside and closed the door behind him. 

 

He sat backwards in the chair at his study desk. Folding his arms on the backrest and resting his chin on them. "So, what's up?" He asked, looking at me. "I noticed you've been in some kind of mood right before the game ended." I said, cautiously. He stared at me expectantly, asking me to get to the point. "If it's something I said or did, I want to apologize." I continued. 

 

Jaehyun then got up, twisting his lips to the side as if deep in thought. "Hmm, okay" he finally said and fell to his knees in front of me. His hands fumbled with the buckle of my belt before undoing them and the button of my jeans next. My eyebrows raised in astonishment, "Jae, w-what are you doing?" 

 

He looked up at me while unzipping my zipper and freeing the path to my underwear. "You said you want to apologize," He smirked. "No, I thought we would talk it through." I replied.

 

He pulled down the waistband of my boxers, jutting out the tip of my semi-erect cock. My body's quick reaction betrayed my true intentions. "Your body says otherwise, Taeyong," he chuckled and reached his hand into my boxers to pull my cock out. 

 

A moan slipped when he licked a long, wet stripe along my shaft. I gripped the edge of the bed, seeking purchase. He then started to jerk me off into his fist. I pursed my lips together, suppressing my whimpers. 

 

His hand slid down to the base of my erection, squeezing it tightly then sliding back up to the tip in rhythmic motions. Precome began to bead at the head and the knot in the bottom of my abdomen was beginning to tighten. 

 

I shut my eyes tightly, mewling from the increased friction on my cock. "F-fuck" I cursed, when I began to spurt milky ropes of come falling on my shirt and his fist. I opened my eyes to see he had been staring at me. A blush threatened to form across my cheeks as he fixated on my cock and continued milking my shaft, my release purloined by his fist.

 

I closed my eyes again as I started to catch my breath. I was startled when he continued to handle my now flaccid member. My cock twitched painfully from the overstimulation. "I don't think I can go again, Jae. It hurts." I whined.

 

He then looked at me with a hint of innocence, "You hurt my feelings. Don't you wanna make me feel better? It's only fair." He stroked me slowly into his fist, spreading my come along my shaft. I whimpered and began to feel my cock throbbing at the soothing sensations. 

 

"Besides, you were the only one that got off. That's not nice, is it?" He divulged, smiling coyly. My mind alightened in curiosity to what he had planned for me. He pushed me down onto the bed and removed my jeans and boxers swiftly. I watched as he took his shorts off, leaving him in just his boxers and tee. 

 

Jaehyun hovered over me, placing his hand around my slowly hardening shaft again with his clean hand. He then spread my legs, kneeling between them. I watched as he sucked two of his come-stained fingers. I nearly cursed at the deliberate look of enjoyment he displayed while doing it. Conscious in the way it was turning me on.

 

After he thoroughly sucked them, he aligned them at my entrance. I winced when he placed one of his digits into my hole. He started with movements purposeful and steady, thrusting through my channel in tandem with his strokes to my cock. 

 

He leaned forward, placing his lips to mine for a deep kiss, capturing my soft moans into his mouth. "Ahh... Jaehyun, more. I need more." I panted, begging him to put another finger in. To reach further and stimulate my sweet spot. "Patience," he uttered, detaching from my lips. 

 

After his exhaustingly slow ministrations, he finally slipped a second finger in and proceeded with working me thoroughly. My need began to grow to the point of overwhelming greed. I groaned in frustration, desiring a faster pace than what he was currently doing. "Faster, please Jae." I pleaded but was met with no appeal.

 

His fingers scissored as he stretched my walls in any which way he could. He entered a third finger and curled, pressing into my prostate. Tears pricked my eyes from the satisfying pleasure. I panted as he continously thrusted deep into my cavern. 

 

My pleasure was fleeting as he withdrew his fingers and leered at me. My chest heaved as I struggled to catch my breath. I watched as he slipped out of his boxers, revealing his stiffly long cock already leaking of precome. 

 

"Should we continue? You look tired already," he teased and from his emphasis on the word, I knew what had triggered him. This was my first time getting this sort of reaction from him but I couldn't deny that it was exciting. 

 

I could hardly suppress my disappointment, he was now saying this after getting me hard and horny again. "I-I'm not tired. Come on Jae," I murmured softly, shyly spreading my legs open for him. 

 

"You want it?" He questioned, my eyes trailing down to see him stroking himself lazily with his hand. I bit my lip involuntarily, nodding frantically. "Yes, please fuck me," I assured, taking my shirt off and becoming fully bare. "Show me, how much you want it" he stated in a mellifluous tone as he gripped under my thighs, hoisting them up towards my chest.

 

I hooked my arms under my knees, bringing them closer into my chest and displaying my needy and waiting hole. His eyes glinted darkly and a quivering smile full of sin, etched on his face. "Let's see how sorry you are," Jaehyun whispered as he pressed the tip of his cock into my entrance. My eyes shut tight from the burning stretch as he moved further into my heat.

 

At that moment I felt my limbs going weak already. He started off thrusting shallowly into me, his hands planted on the underside of my thighs pressing them down further. After a few minutes, he began to pick up the pace, pounding deeper into my hole.

 

His hips bucked as he bottomed out, only to retract himself back to the tip and repeat the process over and over again. Sweat slicked my temples, when my own cock began aching for release. My hold around my legs weakened and I released them, my bent knees falling to the bed. I threw my head back as he kept pistoning his cock, inadvertently hitting my sweet spot. 

 

"Uhh" I moaned aloud, my back arching automatically and I was too overcome by pleasure to remember the walls of the room weren't sound proof. "Shh...you don't want everyone to hear our little secret, do you?" He muttered softly, and my eyes immediately flew open. Panic started seething my mind from his words. 

 

I brought my hand over my mouth, hoping to dampen the lewd sounds escaping from my lips. I was however seized by his firm grip around my wrist, pinning my hand above my head. "What is it?" He questioned, staring down at me. 

 

"Didn't you want people to hear you? Moaning so loudly. Let them know how well you're taking my dick right now." He boasted. His other hand violently gripped my waist, enough to bruise while he relentlessly propelled his hips. 

 

It was impossible for me not to moan. I looked down momentarily, to see how my muscles stretched around him, accepting his length without hindrance as he buried himself to the hilt. His skin pressed flushed against mine. 

 

After he sensed my impending climax he pulled back and started fucking me with just the tip of his cock. I became jaded, fueled by the desire to come as tears pricked my eyes from the overwhelming stimulation. "You're not gonna come again without me, right?" He cooed at me. I shook my head slightly, whimpering from the torturous pressure in my ass.

 

After he released his grasp around my wrist to trail his thumb along my bottom lip. I opened my mouth subconsciously and he pushed his thumb into it, sliding smoothly along my tongue. 

 

My lips wrapped around his finger, as I stared into his lust-lidded eyes. He then pulled out his thumb, dragging my bottom lip down in the process. 

 

Jaehyun placed his thumb over my nipple, encircling it and tweaking it until it hardened. "Jaee...mmm..". I drew my bottom lip into my teeth, my eyes closing once again. "You're pretty like this, under me." He muttered freely. My cock twitched at the endearment and my body heated further.

 

The smoothness of his precome assisted in his thrusts but he still refrained from reaching where I desired most. My hips bucked, pushing him further until his tip stimulated my bundle of nerves. I moaned in relief, finally getting what I wanted. He clicked his teeth unamused then slid his other hand down to my waist, holding me firm.

 

His eyes closed and he grunted as he resumed thrusting shallowly to chase his own release, pumping himself with my hole. He remained moving at an agonizingly slow pace driving me crazy. I whined as my hole clenched desperately, feeling empty without his whole length inside. 

 

"Uhh... p-please Jaehyunnie" I cried, desperate for anything. "Please what?" He questioned, opening his eyes. His chest heaving from his erratic breathing. I was amazed how well he held out until now when I had already released one and a half times already.

 

"I wanna come" I whimpered, hoping he would finally give into my wish. "I'm not stopping you" he uttered breathlessly. "Touch me, please" I pleaded, digging my fingers into the sheets below me. "I am touching you, Taeyong" he stated and rubbed his thumbs soothingly into the sore imprints of my skin. 

 

His pace quickened as he pistoned his now leaking cock, halfway into my channel. I began to feel the winding ropes signaling my sapid liberation. 

 

The muscles of my walls clenched tightly and I started to tremble as I climaxed, producing no ejaculate as my release was well overdue. 

 

Jaehyun came, and spewed his hot load, filling me to the brim. He continued to thrust, his hips stuttering as he rode out his own high and stimulating my prostate repeatedly. "Ahh, ahh, n-no." I cried out hoarsely, clenching my eyes shut, and shuddering from the intense shockwave coursing through my body. 

 

When he had enough, he collapsed on top of me. His breathing ragged and deep. I panted seeking to steady my breathing. After a moment, he lifted his head to stare at me. "Still tired of me now?" He questioned, sarcastically. 

 

I shook my head, "no" was all I could muster, my voice came out quiet and harsh. He rest his head back into the crook of my neck. I then felt a hand, gently stroking my tousled mane almost comfortingly. Almost as if he was congratulating me for a job well done.

 

My eyes fell shut, too exhausted to stay open. I twitched when Jaehyun began to kiss my neck habitually, as my body was too sensitive. Never. I doubt I'll ever truly tire of you.

 

Chapter Text

p a t t e r n s 

"I'm in your bed, she's in your head. We're different."

______________________________

I woke up to the sound of my alarm. This has never happened before. I was usually up before it would go off. My eyes flickered open, feeling blinded by the intrusive lighting slipping through the curtains of my bedroom.

I attempted to sit up and was shocked at how sore my entire body felt. Oh right, I felt a heat surfacing over my face. I can't be upset at how wrecked I feel because in fact, I enjoyed it thoroughly. Making Jaehyun angry seemed to have been worth it even if it wasn't intended. Is it weird of me to want to do it again?

I made my way over to my dresser to grab my outfit for the day. I struggled to keep standing, feeling my legs wobble from exhaustion and leaned onto the dresser for support. If it was so hard to get dressed for school, how would I even be able to get there? I waited for a while, summoning all the strength I had left to push off of the surface and stand upright. 

I grimaced when I took a step forward but continued with determination to get to the bathroom, at least before resting again. Once I entered the bathroom, I locked the door behind me and faced the wall mirror to take in my appearance. 

I looked like I hadn't slept despite getting a full-eight-hours. I lifted my shirt over my head and slipped my boxers down. My eyes went wide when I saw the blotched skin imprinted on my hips. I trailed a finger along it, only to wince from the sensitivity. 

A quivering smile appeared on my lips. I gazed at the blooming mottled blemish adorning my skin, with content. These marks were like a well earned reward. While temporarily discomforting, they were proof that I did well, and that Jaehyun enjoyed it so much. 

They held the memory of our intimacy and I wished they would stay forever, never fading. So that I could relive that moment forever, without anyone else knowing. Because it was none of their business anyway. I'm okay with these moments only being remembered by the two of us – our little secret. 

With purposeful movements, I shuffled to the shower and turned on the hot water, hoping to at least soothe the aches in my muscles enough to allow me to walk without much force. I tried to go as fast as I could before the time first period would begin, caught up on me. 

After taking up most of the morning getting dressed, I finally went into the kitchen to look after some breakfast. 

Lucas was seated at our small table and greeted me when I walked out, "Hey Tae, you look wrecked. Didn't get enough sleep last night?" I opened the fridge taking out the bread and deli meat to make a quick sandwich so that I could head out. "Mm" I answered, not wanting to come up with another excuse. 

I set off to the school building with enough time to walk as slowly as needed. I figured the best way to avoid drawing attention was to walk slower instead of limping to my classroom. 

Eventually I made my way inside the main building. I went to climb the stairs to head towards my homeroom class but once I noticed the flyers along the wall I immediately went to it instead. 

It was a colourful flyer, many more were posted along the walls of the school. It basically stated prom was coming in a few weeks. Tickets were apparently cheaper if you went as a couple, otherwise, it was excessively overpriced. I mentally cursed at the cost. I could use that money to buy myself a good pair of shoes. 

I wondered briefly if they would consider friends going together as a couple then shook my head from the silly thought. A thought then crossed my mind. Would Jaehyun want to go? Even if he did, how would I ask him to go, together? Should I even bother? I don't even like crowded places. 

I sighed heavily and turned to walk back to the stairs, when I saw Chungha standing next to me, "Morning Taeyong. Are you going?" She questioned. I stared at her, confused. "Huh?" She smiled sweetly, "to prom. Are you going?" And pointed at the flyer.

"Ah...I...I'm not sure it's my thing..." I said, unsure of what else to say. "Come on, it'll be fun." She urged. "Yeah, maybe..." I muttered, smiling awkwardly at her and then we both went to our homeroom class. Fortunately my walking pace made us at an agreeable distance. 

 

 

 

 

 


As soon as classes ended, I returned to my dorm. I didn't get the chance to talk to Jaehyun about his thoughts on prom since we were never alone. I mulled over the scenario multiple times, on what I would say, but nothing made sense.

I bit my nails, thinking about what I would say. Asking to hang out instead of going to prom would work too, right? That way we could spend the time together, alone and without an audience. Yes, that's it. That's what I'll say, I decided, with a satisfied grin. 

Hoping he was still at his dorm room, I picked up my phone and called him. After a few rings it was answered. 

"Hey Tae, what's up?" I heard him say. I hesitated, uncertain if I was ready to act out the scene in real-time. Perhaps I needed a bit of practice. Ugh, whatever. How bad could it go? "Can I come over? Are you busy?" I asked quietly. 

He chuckled, "You looked pretty worn out, you can't be thinking of doing it again so soon." I groaned, "ugh, Jae. That's not why I called!" A faint blush erupted over my cheeks. Even I know my limits, despite being addicted to this siren, luring me to my peril. 

"I'm kidding. Lighten up, Tae. Of course you can come whenever you want." He said and I didn't need to see his face to know he was grinning his ass off right now. "Okay, expect me in ten minutes." I said and hung up the call. 

Throughout the day, hiding the fact that I was sore was tiresome in itself. My movements were slothful and I could barely sit still in my seat. It was embarrassing when my friends started to make fun of the way I walked, Jaehyun included, if I might add. 

I vowed never to do this again before I realized it was futile. I'd let him have his way with my anytime, anywhere, or my name isn't Taeyong. 

I grabbed my keys and went through the door, heading to Jaehyuns dorm room. On the way, I practiced my phrasing in my mind. Hopefully I won't wuss out and produce word vomit. 

Once I made it outside his room door. I lifted my hand, ready to knock but was frozen. I chewed my lower lip nervously. It can't go that bad, right? I exhaled and eventually mustered the courage to knock. When he opened the door, I swallowed thickly and felt a chill crawl up my spine. 

He had only been wearing his boxers, his bare torso exposed in all it's glory. Calm down, calm down. Remember what you came here for. "Hi" I said, cursing my trembling voice. He smiled and stepped aside, letting me in. 

I followed him to the couch. He immediately picked up the controller and unpaused the game he had been playing. At least we're not in his room, I reasoned. 

I sat next to him, my hands rested on my knees. "Do you wanna play?" He asked and I turned my head immediately to look at him. I visibly paled, almost thinking he was asking something else. "The game, do you want to play?" He smirked as if he already knew what was on my mind. "Er...y-yeah." He then passed me the other controller and switched the game mode to two player setting.

Honestly, I couldn't concentrate. I was too preoccupied with how I would bring up the topic casually. My finger flicked the joystick any which way to produce some amount of action while I thought. 

"Do you want to change it?" He asked, causing me to look at him. "You seem out of it. Is something wrong?" I shook my head. "No, I'm just tired." I stated, averting my gaze.

After a few seconds, I was ready to open my mouth only to be tickled in my side. I grimaced when his hand brushed near my hip. He stilled immediately, "are you hurt? I'm sorry. I was trying to cheer you up." He said, his brows furrowed. "No, I'm okay" I lied, not wanting to cause him further worry.

"Was it too much? Was I too hard on you last night?" The tone in his voice changed to one of complete and utter concern. My heart leaped at the sound of his voice. I looked down at my hands, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt. "No...I liked it." I replied hesitantly, my voice barely audible. I then looked up to see him smiling brightly and I smiled shyly back.

Now. Now would be a good time. I opened my mouth again, seizing my chance, but Jaehyun beat me to it. "So prom...are you going?" He said. I couldn't deny that the thought of him asking me to go with him crossed my mind. 

"Actually, about that...I thought maybe... we c-could...." I finally uttered, but couldn't continue when I stared into his eyes. After a moment he spoke again, "Chungha passed by earlier insisting I go. You'll go too, right?" She came by? To ask him to go?

I'm positive that at that moment, my face gave me away. "Oh..." was all I could answer. He began nudging me, "come on, let's go. It'll be fun and a once in a lifetime experience. We can hang out after." He said. 

I weakly smiled, "yeah, sure..." I'm pretty sure they call this failure of missing out, or is it peer pressure? Whatever it was, I tried my best not to frown. It'll be fun, I'm sure she convinced him of that.

After playing a few rounds of the game, I left to go back to my own room. Initially I wanted to leave the minute he mentioned her but thought it'd be too obvious. 

When I returned I was too lost in my thoughts to notice Lucas and Jungwoo on the couch. "Oh, hey.." I greeted them before I dragged my feet to my bedroom. 

I could have sworn I saw them look at each other in the corner of my eye. Perhaps they were worried about my disheartened behaviour. However, I didn't have the energy to care.

I flopped on my bed, groaning loudly and frantically ruffling my hair in frustration. My plan crashed and burned into flames. Why was it so hard to express myself. Why was it so hard for him to notice. Why was it so hard.

Since Chungha arrived, I've been noticing a trend and it's not the positive kind. It's a bit early to call it a pattern but definitely, there's a shift in our dynamic. Maybe it's all in my head. I hoped that it was just a figment of my imagination and the mean would balance it all out in the end, even the odds. I hope. 

 

 

Chapter Text

l e s s ⠀ o f ⠀ y o u 

 

"I'm afraid that bandaids are no good for heartache." 

 

warning: triggering theme.

 

______________________________

 

 

 

Over the weekend I called Jaehyun out for a hangout. It's been a while since we went out with just the two of us. You could say that I was trying to grab a hold of our unsteady relationship, for lack of better phrasing. 

 

We rode the bus to the mall and when we arrived, we went into some clothing stores. I flicked through the shirts on the rack while he tried on some jackets. We even peeked over at the formal wear side to look at suits for prom. 

 

Granted, he had eventually convinced me to go against my will. I was absolutely no match for his coercion. However, shopping together and choosing what we would wear made it almost seem like a date.

 

After a while, we left the store, settling on buying the suits closer to prom. We then decided to eat at our favourite restaurant. 

 

We walked into the store and immediately found a booth. We both got in facing each other and waited for the server to give us the menus. 

 

The server walked over to our table and handed us each a menu then went off to tend to other customers as we decided on our items. I opened it and looked at the list of food intently. 

 

I pursed my lips together, subconsciously licking them as I thought hard on my decision. I couldn't decide between a grilled chicken burger or carbonara pasta. There was also my favourite dessert. Choices, choices. 

 

"Can't decide?" Jaehyun asked, getting my attention. I shook my head and pouted and continued gazing at the options. "How about we share again, hm?" I raised my head to see his warm expression. "Yeah," I nodded enthusiastically, smiling ear to ear. 

 

Jaehyun usually ordered the other thing even if he didn't really want it. I was always grateful for his kindness, it's what made me fall for him in the first place. His selflessness was his best trait. 

 

When the server returned we placed our orders and waited for them to arrive. My eyes lit up when the plates with our food came, piping with steam and a delectable aroma. 

 

Jaehyun took the pasta and I kept the burger. I sliced it in half giving him a piece. He shared some of the pasta in my plate and we started to eat. 

 

I finished my half of the sandwich and started mindlessly munching on the fries while eyeing the other half on Jaehyuns plate. I liked it more than the pasta, regrettably. Was I being selfish? 

 

"Do you want more food, Tae?" I scraped my gaze from his plate to look at him. The chewing on the fries slowed down. "Uhm...no it's okay..I'm full." I uttered with a smile. Well, there goes my dessert.

 

"Oh, okay." He smiled and picked up the sandwich, taking a bite of it. Maybe I could try being selfless too. 

 

Once we had finished our meals and paid, we exited the store and strolled through the mall, staring at the storefronts. We walked past a large standee displaying the poster for a popular movie I've been meaning to watch. 

 

I stopped in my tracks, staring at the poster with wonder. I glanced over to Jaehyun who had also been staring at the poster. Could he perhaps want to see it too? 

 

"I've been waiting for this to come out." He blurted out. A smile appeared on my lips. "What? Really? Me too!" I exclaimed with eyes wide. Jaehyun nodded and smiled widely. "Do you want to watch it together?" I looked at the poster, avoiding looking into his eyes lest I chicken out again. 

 

"Yeah, let's buy some tickets." We both went inside the cinema and towards the ticket booth. After purchasing both of our tickets, since it was my idea, I handed Jaehyun his and put mine into my pocket. 

 

It was extremely early since we chose to see it during the night. We decided to go back to our dorms to kill some time. I mostly wanted to change my outfit because this seemed more like a date than anything else we have done together. 

 

We each said our goodbyes before heading back to our rooms. I began searching my dresser and trying on multiple items until I settled for a nice baby blue shirt with a pair of dark grey ripped skinny jeans. 

 

I made myself busy, cleaning my room first and then settled for watching television in the living area. Hours went by until it has finally been a little after five in the afternoon. I had over two hours left to until the movie would start. I got up to get dressd, heading to my room to grab my outfit and then to the shower.

 

When I returned to my room, my phone was ringing. I went towards it and noted I had five missed calls from Jaehyun. I quickly answered it. "Hey, what's up. Are you getting ready?" I said immediately. 

 

I heard him sigh heavily before he replied, "Tae, I'm really sorry but could we go tomorrow? Something came up unexpectedly." My eyes darted to the hung mirror, seeing my carefully chosen outfit and the broken expression on my face. 

 

I quickly snapped back to reality. "Yeah, sure... That's fine." I reluctany agreed. "Great, I'll make it up to you. I'll pay you back and buy our tickets tomorrow. I'll also buy you a huge pocorn." He bargained and I hummed in response before we hung up.

 

My hand fell from my ears to my side. I glanced back into the wall mirror. As if to mock me, my stomach began to growl. I looked to my bed where my ticket laid. I had already bought the ticket and what if tomorrow the movie wouldn't be available anymore. 

 

I might as well watch it so that I don't waste the ticket, at least. I could also get another one of those grilled chicken burgers or something to eat while I watch the movie. I'll just watch it again with Jaehyun tomorrow if anything, I reasoned. 

 

I picked up my ticket and placed both it and my phone and wallet into my pockets. I put on my shoes and resumed watching television until the time was closer before I left. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was too engrossed with the show I had been watching that by time I had caught the bus, I had only a few more minutes until the previews began. 

 

I gave up buying the grilled chicken sandwich since the cinema wouldn't allow me to take it inside. It would have also took a longer time to even get it.

 

Instead I joined the concession stand and purchased some nachos. I didn't want to fill my stomach of popcorn today since Jaehyun had offered to buy me one tomorrow. 

 

Once I collected my nachos, I made my way to the theatre side. I handed my ticket to the security who ripped it in half and directed me to the number for my show. I walked towards it and entered the darkly lit room. I could see the previews had already started and the theatre had few persons seated sparsely in different sections of the room.

 

I walked down the stairs carefully, searching for a seat in the middle where I could see clearly and also be alone. I entered an empty row and sat down and placed my drink in the cup holder.

 

I began to eat my nachos and watched the previews to take mental notes of which ones I would want to see when released. A funny scene came on causing the little audience here to laugh, that's when I stopped eating. I now properly focused on the people inside the room. 

 

I had clearly heard Jaehyuns laugh. I was certain because I knew it by heart and thats when I looked around the room. Ahead, seated a few rows down from me, I saw a couple, male and female. I concetrated on their forms, trying to make out the guy in the dim lighting. When the light from the screen became brighter momentarily, reflecting on him I could see much clearer. It had definitely been Jaehyun. 

 

My eyes flew to the girl right beside him. However, I didn't need to. He was here with Chungha and not me. My heart sank into my stomach and my appetite disappeared. I immediately flew up from my seat and marched for the door.

 

I didn't stop, walking until I reached outside of the mall. I didn't have the guts to face him and ask what the hell was going on. Why did he lie to me and why he was here with her? 

 

I threw my nachos in the nearest bin and ran to the bus stop catching the bus going to my route in time. I got on and sat at an empty seat. I fought hard not to cry in public. In just a few minutes I would reach back to the school, I reminded myself. Just a few more minutes. I clenched the handle in front of my seat until my hands blanched. I was so dejected, confused even and I felt completely worthless.

 

I had wasted my money, but that's not why I was so hurt. Was I being replaced? Thrown away like a torn ticket becoming irredeemable? Turns out, I, too, am only good for a certain time.

 

How could he lie to me, ditch me and even go behind my back to hang out with her? Do I not mean anything at all? If it was for my sake, I wouldn't believe it. Why did I feel so betrayed? Why didn't he just tell me the truth? 

 

We were keeping secrets from each other and our relationship was suffering as a result. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It didn't take long until I had returned and I made my way straight up to my dorm room. When I entered I was slightly relieved that Lucas hadn't been in the living area. I went to my room, unintentionally slamming the door. I didn't care if he was inside and heard it or not, though.

 

It turns out, I was still too selfish. If I wasn't, none of this would have even happened. I wouldn't have went and seen them together. It was in fact because of my selfishness and impatience that I ended up here. 

 

I quickly went into my bed, gripping the comforter and pulling it in between my legs and into my chest. I buried my face into it, breathing erratically from running so much. 

 

A tear streamed down my cheek. They came flowing one by one, all the tears I had held back. I turned my head to my bedside table, staring at it for a few seconds. I crawled towards it and opened the top drawer looking at the contents inside. The pack of condoms and lube pierced my heart. How could such items hold so much meaning behind them?

 

My eyes then fell on the bottle of pain killers. Were they able to numb the pain I was currently feeling? Beside them were my sleeping pills I took when I had trouble falling asleep from anxiety. It was rare since I met my friends. However, I felt that I might need them tonight. 

 

I grabbed the bottle and quickly uncapped it. I stared into it taking in the load of pills. I debated downing the bottle to go quietly and peacefully. I wiped the stray tears that pooled at my chin and locked the bottle, deciding not to give it a second thought.

 

I held my pillow to my chest, tucking it into my arms and wrapping my legs over my comforter. I wished there was less of you in my heart but without you, then it would be empty. I closed my eyes, feeling the heaviness of my eyelids. 

 

I could feel the weariness of my body and mind consuming me. I drifted unknowingly, falling asleep from a sense of enervation. 

 

Slowly, it seems that I'm becoming less of you instead.

Chapter Text

v u l n e r a b l e 

"What's the point in saying you love me like a friend?" 

______________________________

 

 

Days went by that I didn't meet Jaehyun alone. Thankfully midterms were approaching so I wasn't really lying about being busy. He called me the day after that time to ask to hangout and watch the movie. I declined, too upset to face him. 

 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed that he didn't come to see me or even called to check up on me. Lately I haven't been doing anything else except studying. 

 

I didn't eat much because everytime I thought about food, the scene would come back to mind. And so I had not had much of an appetite. 

 

I was seated at my study desk, revising some notes from my classes earlier. It helped me to take my mind off of things. Also, I had a GPA to maintain.

 

A knock was heard from my room door. It must've been Lucas trying to get me to eat again. "I'm not hungry, Lucas, eat without me again!" I yelled through my door, not bothering to take my eyes off of my books. 

 

The door to my room opened and I slowly lifted my gaze, annoyed that Lucas was persisting. "I said, I'm not hun...gry" my eyes widened when I saw it hadn't been Lucas but Jaehyun. 

 

My throat went dry instantaneously and I swallowed the forming lump. "W-What are you doing here, Jae?" I questioned softly. He walked inside smiling and locked the door behind him. 

 

I turned in my chair to watch as he walked over to the bed, sitting on it then glancing around my room until his eyes fell on me. "I feel like we haven't seen each other in months. I missed you." Jaehyun said. 

 

I finally noticed a bag in his lap, it was from the clothing store we went to. He realized I had been staring and handed it to me. "It's yours." I reached out for it then opened to see the suit I had tried. I looked up at him confusedly. 

 

"It's what you'll wear to prom. You are still going, right? Or are you still avoiding me?" He said with a raised brow. "I-I'm not. I'm busy because of midterms...I.." my eyes shifted side to side and I bit my lower lip nervously.

 

I don't want to go, I have a bad feeling about it. "Taeyong?" He uttered and my gaze lifted to meet his eyes. He stared at me concerned. 

 

Honestly, I didn't want to talk anymore, so I got up from my seat, placing the bag down on the desk and walked over to him and mounted his lap. I latched my lips onto his. "Let's talk later." I said and wrapped my arms around his nape, closing my eyes. 

 

In actuality, I didn't want to talk at all. I was desperate for a sign that he still wanted me, still..needed me. This was it, I thought, the feeling I craved. His hands roamed up and down my back soothingly but it didn't last long. He retreated away from my lips. 

 

"Tae, we don't have to. Can we ta-" I put a finger to his lips before he could finish. "Shh.. just sit and enjoy" I said, choosing to put him in the mood. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I got off of his lap and moved back to my desk, sitting down and grabbing my phone to flick through it. Once I had found what I wanted, I turned my chair around to face him. 

 

I smiled mischievously but swiftly wiped it off my face. I remained seated waiting for the music to play. 

 

Even though I'm quite timid, I feel the most confident when it's just the two of us. I feel like I could do anything when it comes to Jaehyun. He gives me the confidence I never knew I had in me, just to please him I'm willing to do anything.

 

As soon as the melody began the look in my eyes changed. I raised from my seat, stoically staring at him. I then extended an arm as I took a step forward and snapped my fingers in time with the snare. 

 

My hands fell to my sides and I drew them slowly, raising the hem of my shirt enough to expose my bare flesh, my lecherous gaze never faltering. 

 

My movements quickly halted when my shirt reached midway. My head turned on its axis and my tongue worked its way to the corner of my lips. 

 

Jaehyun let out a soft whimper, his eyes soon became lidded with desire and I became enraptured by the lust seeding through his gorgeous brown orbs as I sensed his heed rising.

 

I felt my own need slowly building up and it made me more confident. I swayed my shoulders, popping them in abrupt motions. 

 

Soon I was lost in the rhythm of the arousing tune. I took a step closer until I stood just before him, enough to reach.

 

I nimbly lifted my hands above my head only for them to fall to my face just as quickly. I leered while I dragged my hands down to my neck and over my chest, lightly grazing the fabric of my cotton shirt. 

 

I trailed them along the contour of my body, accentuating my lithe form, and turned around in tandem, rolling my hips slow and sensual for his eyes to glaze hot, scorching, burning with sexual reprieve.

 

Brushing my shoulders with the tips of my fingers, I now stood with my back facing him. I then glanced over my shoulder and locked eyes with his hooded gaze. 

 

I pulled the hem of my shirt up slowly, revealing the unblemished canvas of my back and released, letting it fall back in place. "That's so hot, Tae" he muttered breathlessly and I was quite proud of the effect I had on him.

 

I faced him, walking to the edge of the bed and in between his parted thighs. My hands gently ran along them to rest at his knees while I gazed at him confidently. I then placed my hands on his shoulders and propped upon my knees, mounting his lap once more. I could feel his confined hardon through the fabric of my boxers. 

 

I grabbed his hand to tease its way down my torso, smirking and then his expression darkened. Jaehyun wrapped his arms tight around me, pulling me closer, and pressed his face into my chest. 

 

I startled at the sudden motion, stilling when he buried his face into my chest. My hand went up to caress his head, petting softly. I still wanted more. If I had to be selfish, I want to be selfish for us. 

 

My hands went down to undo his jeans. I then reached into the waistband of his boxers and pulled his cock out. I thumbed the slit where there had already been a smear of precome. "Ahh, gentle, Tae," he breathed and withdrew from my chest to stare at me hazily.

 

"I wanna ride you, can I?" I asked as I placed soft kisses at the corner of his lips. "Fuck, be my guest." I eased out of my boxers, holding on to his shoulders one at a time for support. 

 

I then settled back on his thighs and raised my hand, holding it out under my chin. Maintaining eye contact, I spat in my hand then brought it to his shaft. I stroked him generously, his eyes were hooded and moans spilled out between his gritted teeth.

 

This would be the first time I was so close to Jaehyun like this. I could see every expression his face gave. How lewd I could make him while I ruin myself with his cock. 

 

I held his shaft and hovered over it, aligning it with my puckered rim. "Don't you want me to prep you first?" He questioned and I shook my head. "It's fine, don't worry. I want you now." I then inched it closer to my entrance, steadily guiding the tip to the ring of my muscles. 

 

Truth is, I want to remember every second of this. I want to feel everything. I want to feel all of him inside of me. To feel connected in the way we understand each other most. 

 

I want to feel the burn, deep down with the way I stretch to fit him inside until he fills me whole with room for nothing else, filling the darkest parts of my heart. Every corner of my being. 

 

I want to drown in thoughts only of him — us, together. I'll become greedy again, just for us.

 

I sunk myself downwards, a wanton moan slipping as I felt my rim stretch. I stilled, placing my hands on his shoulders trying to adjust to the burning sensation. Tears welled up into the corners of my eyes, and I clenched them shut.

 

Jaehyun rubbed my back calmly. I steadied my breathing and found the strength I needed to start again. I plummeted slowly, pushing his shaft further into my tight heat. 

 

He let out a guttural groan, "uhh, it feels like I'm suffocating." I lifted myself upwards, rolling my hips slowly, working him in with shallow thrusts. 

 

My need grew more as I continued inching him deeper into my hole. The slow and burning drag of his cock against my walls made my own cock throb. 

 

When he had finally been buried to the hilt, I mewled, stumbling slightly from stimulating myself dead-on. He quickly held my waist to keep me steady. I rested my forehead on his shoulder, trying to regain my strength. It was too soon to feel tired, but I didn't have enough energy to begin with.

 

"Are you okay? Do you want me to take over?" I lifted my head, opening my eyes to stare at him. His thumbs circled around my hips encouragingly. "N-No, just give me a sec" I said as I took deep breaths in.

 

I lifted my hips upward again then sinking back down on his length. I continued, repeatedly bouncing at an unhurried pace. Moan after moan expelled from my lips. He started to litter my neck with kisses, occasionally moaning against my skin. 

 

He began leaking precome making the glide much more smoother. I withdrew him to the tip before plunging down again. He flew his head back slightly, his arms wrapped around me, enclosing my waist. 

 

I was panting, feeling exhausted. My hips were starting to cramp from the repetitive motion. I descended once more before kissing him hard and pushing him down to the bed. I collapsed on top of him from his hold.

 

He stretched an arm out, propping us up and tried to move further up into the bed. Instead, he clumsily fell back down as his legs were caught in the folds of his jeans. We both chuckled at the silliness. 

 

He quickly pulled them to his knees with both hands and kicked them off. Then replaced his hands at my hips and moved us backwards to the headboard. He laid his head on my pillow and we resumed kissing. 

 

I held myself up by supporting myself with my hands on his clothed chest and then continued to ride him. My mouth fell agape as I kept hitting my prostate. I started to feel weak, nearing my climax. 

 

Sweat pooled at my temples and my hips were now stuttering with each downward thrust. Jaehyun pulled me down, pushing his tongue into my mouth. Soft moans were captured by our kisses. I tilted my head, allowing a better angle to kiss him. 

 

I was too tired to continue thrusting, he must have sensed it because his hips bucked upwards with each rolling movement of my hips, causing a lewd moan to release from my lips. 

 

I felt his hands move down the undulating surface of my ass, his fingers splaying across each cheek and giving them a firm squeeze. His fingers dug at the tender flesh, digging into the meat of my skin. He caressed each cheek before gripping and spreading them apart, stretching my rim tautly with a delicious burn. 

 

My eyes fell shut and my lips moved their way to his neck, gnawing at his beautiful supple skin. He began to thrust purposefully, angling himself deeper into my heat with a quickening pace. "Ahh, f-fuck" I groaned from the lubricious fill of my hole. 

 

I felt the walls of my sore muscles tightening. "Mmm, Jae..I'm gonna come.." I whimpered as he kept propelling his hips to fuck into me. He groaned lowly, "n-not yet." I looked up at him, his gaze was fixed on my eyes. 

 

His bestial propulsion made my weedy body worn out. I steadied myself on his torso, staring into his eyes as he viciously searched for our climax. 

 

"Jae.." I exhaled as he thrusted deeper, finally releasing his hot liquid inside me. I too reached my limit and painted the space between our bodies, soiling our shirts in the process. I completely fell down onto his chest, too spent to keep myself up.

 

We looked each other in the eyes as we both reached the end of our climax. A heat rose to my cheeks but I didn't dare to blink because he was looking at me, and it felt different than the other times. 

 

I was uncertain of the look he gave, it almost felt like it mirrored what mine would look like right now. I was afraid that if I closed my eyes, it would all just be a dream. I can't help but misunderstand if you look at me like this. It's not good for my heart. 

 

The thing that scares me most, and what I hate the most, is the fear of losing him. Of losing what we have, even if it's actually nothing. 

 

I also hate when he acts out of character and confuses me further. It makes me feel delusional and my insides get all muddled. Just like the inevitability of earphones to annoyingly entangle when you put them in your bag. 

 

It's like I have nothing left, aside from loving him. Who am I or what did I even do, before he entered into my heart. Can you remember, Jae? Cause I can't. And I'm not sure if I'd want to. 

 

Our breathing merged into one. I could hear his heartbeat and the sound of his breathing as his chest heaved. It was heavenly, his sound.

 

My finger found its way to his chest, drawing designs into his skin through his shirt. I'm laying on top of him and he didn't pull out of me yet. This feeling, I don't want to lose it. We were more like lovers and I was grateful that the essence of our love making remained inside of me. 

 

Jaehyuns breathing softened and he began to play with strands of my hair. This was definitely different. Did his heart grow fonder while we were parted? I'd hope so. 

 

"Are you really okay?" He softly interrupted my thoughts. I hummed, "yes, I feel great." My heart felt pieced together again. "So...you'll come to prom right? You'll come with me?" And I stilled my finger. "Not with me, with me. You'll take yeri, right? After all she did confess to you, didn't she." He mumbled lowly. 

 

I blinked, feeling taken aback. I had forgotten I didn't tell him I had rejected her and why. I debated mentally, deciding to tell him the truth. 

 

If I didn't say it now, then he wouldn't see me as more than just a friend. And if I did say it, there was no going back. However, I couldn't take it anymore, the lying. "Tae..?"

 

"Jae.." I said softly, lifting my head up from his chest to stare at him. The layers of my heart slowly unraveled, leaving me exposed and vulnerable. "Hm?" I took a deep breath in and breathed out. "Jae...I-I love you." I finally said it, there was no turning back now. 

 

His eyes widened. "oh..?" "me too...", a smile appeared on my lips, "really?" I asked, astonished. He nodded, "of course I love you. You're my best friend, how could I not?" And that's when I realized it was to no purpose. Me spilling my guts. 

 

I placed my head back on his chest, wanting the sound of his heartbeat to tell me the truth. I wanted to drown the whole scene out. "You'll always be there for me like this, right?" I felt like he was pushing me away.

 

A stray tear ran down my cheek unauthorized as he eventually pulled himself out. And it all came gushing out. I quickly brushed the tear away, forcing a smile. I lifted my head and looked at him. "Yes, always." 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

b l u e

 

"Pressure on my lips, I'd die for just one kiss...Wake, I can't resist, could I be dreaming this?"

______________________________

 

Prom eventually came. Things were still the same between us and it was only a matter of time before it got worse. I made up my mind to put things behind me, hoping for a fresh start. 

 

I grabbed the bag with my suit inside. I took it out admiring the metallic red of the material. Jaehyun said it complimented the paleness of my skin. Jaehyun....it hasn't even started yet and I'm thinking of him. Would I be able to manage seeing his face?

 

I sighed and laid the suit on my bed and got my steamer to straighten out the wrinkles in the fabric. I gazed longingly at my bed, drifting off into my thoughts. This was where it all started, I thought. 

 

The overheated fabric stung my hand, drawing me back to the present. Once I had finished ironing out the kinks, I set off to my bathroom to get dressed.

 

School was officially out today as the entire day was for the event. I sat my last exam yesterday and I felt extremely relieved when it had finally been over. 

 

I looked into my mirror styling my hair and taking my time to perfect my appearance. The bags under my eyes weren't too noticeable with the light makeup I used to conceal it.

 

Now that I'm ready, I went on my way to the school building. Upon arriving, the decorations were laced throughout the hallway. The cheap shimmery, silver, garlands stuck to the wall led my path to the main auditorium. 

 

The faint sound of tacky party music danced its way outside through the hefty double doors. I pushed my way through to see similar decor overwhelmingly scattered across the room. This was definitely not my style. 

 

Eventually I made my way to my friends. They were all seated except for one, the person I dreaded most to see in this very moment. "Hey Tae, you made it."Ten said and I smiled weakly at him.

 

Minutes later Jaehyun waltzed in wearing his navy blue tux that he had tried on at the store. It was a deathly sight to bear witness. 

 

He plopped down into the seat next to me, undoing the first button of his blazer. "Hey," he greeted and I greeted back nonchalantly. Keep it together. I can get through this. 

 

It didn't take long until Chungha arrived and made her way over to our table. She placed a hand on Jaehyuns shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze before greeting the rest of us. He looked up to her, eyes smiling with admiration. I could feel my stomach wrenching as I continued to look. 

 

"Wanna dance, Jae?" She asked him and all I could do was watch as he got up and they moved towards the dancefloor. I watched as he placed an arm around her waist, she placed her hand on his shoulder.

 

Chungha suddenly smiled at him and they were talking to each other. He then looked at her confused and she leaned closer whispering into his ear. At that moment I wanted to leave. 

 

I thought that I could handle it. I thought I could manage seeing him with other people but, it turned out that I'm not as strong as I thought. I stood up and stormed out through the doors, not bothering to look back when my friends called for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is this what trash felt like? Used and discarded without a care of wherever it ended up. No strings attached, basically. How I wish we could turn back time. 

 

However, it was my own fault. I knew there was no chance but I continued anyway. There's no way I could rid you from any part of me. But to you, all I am is just your friend. 

 

Lets face it, if it had been someone else...if it had been someone else you kissed that day, we wouldn't be like this. Someone else would have been with you in this way.

 

We were both just lonely in our own way searching for something to fill the emptiness inside anyways.

 

I kept going until I had returned to my dorm, opening the door and heading inside. I paced back and forth, pulling at my hair, frustrated. Frustrated with Jaehyun, with myself. I don't want to feel frustrated anymore. 

 

I went into my bathroom, turning the faucet of the tub on. I felt a shiver travel down my spine and suddenly I couldn't hear a single thing. It was like my mind went blank. 

 

I stared at the tub as the water started to rise. I got inside, laying flat as the water soaked my clothes and splashed against my skin. 

 

They say the average person can hold their breath for up to two minutes. After six minutes your brain dies without oxygen. I wonder how long it'll take him to notice I'm gone? One minute? Ten? An hour?

 

My tears could probably fill this whole tub if I cried thinking about you. And so I cried because I thought about him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The song finally drew to an end leaving Jaehyun and Chungha to stare at each other awkwardly. He then turned away and headed towards the table where he left his friends previously. 

 

When he had arrived he didn't see the person he had been looking for. "Where's Taeyong?" He asked his friends. Ten shrugged, scrolling through his phone. 

 

"I don't know, bathroom maybe. He ran out in a hurry." Yuta said, but Jaehyun couldn't shake the feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

 

He then ran towards the double doors of the auditorium, heading to the nearest bathroom. "Tae, are you in here?" He called but received no answer. Something didn't feel right. 

 

He then decided to check the boys dorm just in case he had forgotten something and returned. 

 

When he made it in front of Taeyongs dorm room, he held his hand up and knocked. The door creaked, opening just as eerily as the calm atmosphere. 

 

"Taeyong?" He said quietly, pushing the door to open further reluctantly as he didn't want to trespass. He walked inside, making his way to the olders bedroom. He stepped into a patch of water and finally registered the running of the faucet in the bathroom.

 

He looked down, noting the water pooling from beneath the doorframe. Had someone forgotten to turn the pipe off or were they having a leak, he thought. 

 

He pushed the door which retreated from his hand instantaneously, revealing Taeyongs floating body in the overflowing tub. "Oh my God, Taeyong!"

 

Panic swarmed over his body as he assisted the older out of the tub and laid him flat on the damp tiled floor. Jaehyun fanatically ran his fingers through his hair, summoning a thought, as his mind drew blanks as he stared at Taeyongs examinate body.

 

His brain finally registered the gravity of the situation and all of the first aid tutorials he took in physical education came back. 

 

He held his ear to the olders mouth, listening for signs of breathing then proceeded with the rest of the CPR algorithm he had practiced before.

 

There was still no response. "Taeyong, wake up!" Jaehyun cried out as he shook the olders limp and lifeless form.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Taeyong!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Tae!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Tae...?" The younger called out softly. Taeyongs eyes nervously flickered as he debated mentally. He inspired with determination, summoning sheer willpower to confess. "Jae?" He finally uttered, just as quiet. 

 

The said boy looked up at the face of the older staring at him. "Hm?" Jaehyun muttered, staring at the boy expectantly. 

 

"Jae....I-I love you.." Taeyong declared. Jaehyun froze momentarily taken aback by the sudden confession. His lips then pleasantly quirked upwards, "I...love you too" he eventually uttered.

 

Taeyongs brows raised, "really?" he questioned in astonishment. Jaehyun nodded. "Yes, I do. Always have." 

 

The older then shed the tears that pricked his eyes. Jaehyun reached a hand out to cup his cheek, gently caressing it with his thumb, wiping a tear in the process. "What is it, Tae?" 

 

"I'm just...happy." Taeyong gave a small smile before he placed his head back on the youngers chest, listening to the steady sound of his heartrate. 

 

Seconds passed before Jaehyun spoke, breaking the comfortable silence between them. "We'll always be close like this, right?" 

 

The older then held the other close. "Yes, always." He replied in affirmation smiling brightly to himself as he was wrapped into the youngers embrace.

 

 

Chapter Text

i ' m⠀ a⠀ r u i n

 

"Hold me, love me, touch me, help me, be the first who ever did" 

 

______________________________

 

Finding out that you're attracted to not only your best friend, but also a guy is extremely complicated. When I first realized it, I thought there was something wrong with me. Three years ago, when the teacher announced there was a new student was where it all started.

 

"Class, attention!" My homeroom teacher called to get our attention to the front of the class. Beside her stood a slender male with the biggest eyes I had ever seen. 

 

He had light pink hair as if a huge neon sign yelling, 'please look at me'. He was cute, was all I could think of at that time. "Introduce yourself, dear." She said to him and he nodded. 

 

"Hello, uhm, my n-name's Lee Taeyong. Hope to be friends with all of you." The boy said and abruptly bowed ninety degrees. He had already piqued my interest and I immediately smiled at his timidness, it was quite amusing, extremely contradictory to his hair colour. 

 

I watched as the new boy found his way to the desk behind Yuta and took out his book and pen from his bag. He glanced over to me, noticing I had been staring. I nodded at him, giving a smile which he awkwardly nodded and smiled back in return.

 

For a few days I would notice he was very quiet, hardly participated in any class discussions and often doodled on his notebook when the lecture dragged on. I don't know why I was so intrigued by this guy, it was like some sort of magnetic force because everywhere I was, I would see him.

 

I saw that he kept to himself, didn't  make any friends and two weeks had passed and he still sat alone. It wasn't until then that I urged Yuta, who was very annoyed by the way, to get up from our table one day at lunch and invite him over. He had been sitting in the corner by himself eating his meal and it seemed pitiful, not that that's the reason I did it.

 

When they had both returned, Taeyong had greeted us all quietly. When his eyes landed on mine I smiled brightly at him "Hi, I'm Jaehyun" I said, extending an arm and he smiled shyly back, while lightly clasping and shaking my hand. He was definitely cute, but I felt strange for thinking that. 

 

He was the complete opposite of me and so I reasoned that was maybe why I found him so interesting. He was really quiet and shy but on the outside screamed to be noticed.  

 

Eventually we became closer from hanging out together without the rest of our friends, we even partnered up for group projects. It turned out he was actually very fun to talk to. Also fun to tease.

 

A year ago, I kissed him at a party as a dare. I could've refused it, but I wanted to do it, strangely. It wasn't until then that I realized that it might have been more than just sheer curiosity. 

 

Since that moment, I couldn't stop thinking about it. How perfect his lips felt on mine, how nice he smelled. The little sound he made unknowingly. In the end, I chalked it up to just being physically attracted to him. I admitted that he is quite good looking for a guy, since his features were well-defined and unique.

 

However, I was determined to kiss him again, and to my luck, he hadn't rejected me when I did out of impulse. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop with just that, I wanted more–no, I needed more. I wanted to do way more than kissing and proposed the idea of us being friends with benefits. 

 

Ultimately, my goal was purely a mutual relationship where we would be there for each other in times of physical need without the added baggage. After all, feelings always complicates things. But it backfired as I became even more confused by my feelings. 

 

My life was always simple, be great and nothing but. I had been caught up living a lie, hiding behind a mask. Frustrated with always having to live up to my dad's expectations of what he wanted from me. I was the best, but it was all fruitless. 

 

He never once cared, despite my continuous attempts at ranking top in the class. It was tiring to always be conscious of your own actions and how others perceive you. 

 

Taeyong, however, was always there for me when I needed him, both emotionally and physically. He was the only person I could rely on, really. Also the only other person who knew about the issues with my dad other than Chungha. 

 

The first time Taeyong and I had sex was even because I was so stressed from arguing with my dad. Surprisingly, in that moment, I could only think about being inside of him. It was the first time I thought of nothing else. I thought I had finally gotten all of the pent up frustration and confusion out of my system once and for all, only for it to happen again and again. 

 

It was a vicious cycle; driving me crazy then calming me down in the end, and I had finally hit the gold mine — a cure all to all of the meaningless and pointless things in my life. 

 

Everything was great, but then I started to grow more attached to him, more attracted, more greedy, each and every time we had sex; everytime we hung out together. Insatiable. 

 

He never complained, not once, whenever I wanted to do it and I admit I took advantage of his willingness. It was all cute, how he would go along with whatever I suggested. I came to the conclusion that this was what Taeyong wanted from me too, so I gave him everything, everytime. Wanting him to feel good too.

 

I showed how much I loved his body and how crazy it made me and found myself in the moments when we were alone. There was only transparency in those times. I could be the real me, I thought, without the expectations.

 

I think my heart could sense it. That we were the same. Both of us were desperately crying out to be seen. To be understood, to be needed, in a way that no one else but us could ironically understand. That's why it was even more special to me, that no one else knew. 

 

I would meditate day-by-day on the way he touched me, so gentle and focused, the feeling was engraved into my mind. And so I memorized each moment, not knowing when would be the last. 

 

Sometimes I couldn't help but think that maybe he liked me too by the way he would get shy even after knowing each other inside out. 

 

I wasn't sure to what extent and so I didnt want to risk changing what we had and lose him altogether based on a simple hunch. What if we fought or he actually didnt like me at all, just the idea of me; the fake persona. 

 

The truth is, I'm not as nice as everyone thinks I am, but that's just me being human. I get angry too, but I never like to show it to others. Only he has seen those parts of me that I try so hard to hide, that's what made him different.

 

Lately, what has plagued my mind is the thought that this was all we were good at — fucking each other. Everytime I felt like there was more to it than that though, I would quickly retreat the idea. 

 

I had tried to shake off the feelings that grew overtime, but I would only think about it with each waking moment. There was no turning back, but neither of us said we didn't want to anymore.

 

Like a fool, I thought I would be satisfied forever with how things were, but eventually fell deeper into the quicksand. 

 

He's become my safe place, someone I could turn to in times of need. And I considered the possibility of more, but...

 

How do you tell your best friend that you're in love with them without the risk of losing them in some way or the other. 

 

How do you stop the fear of losing the one thing you think is finally yours, even when it's not because you're too afraid that if you claim it, you'll lose it anyway. Either by rejection or by fucking it all up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ s ]

 

 

 

 

I made my way to the boys locker room for our physical education class. I found my locker and slipped out of my vans and put them inside the bottom of locker. 

 

I then reached inside my backpack, taking out my track shorts, tank top and sneakers and afterwards placed it in the locker. 

 

Some other classmates came inside and I nodded and smiled to them as usual before taking my shirt off and changing into my running gear. 

 

Once I had been changed I made my way to the exit to go to the field. On my way Chungha stopped me as she came out of the girls locker room. "Hey Jae," she greeted and I greeted her back as we walked alongside each other.

 

"Do you still run?" She asked when we finally made it out into the open space. "Yeah, do you?" Chungha gave a brief chuckle, "no but I bet I could still make you eat dust." She teased and I smiled, shaking my head.

 

We walked towards the bleachers once we saw Ten and Taeyong seated there. After introducing her to Ten we walked off to begin our run. 

 

We jogged around the track once and was on the second lap. I panted softly, each foot alternating at a steady pace. 

 

When we came close to the bleachers, I glanced over and immediately slowed down when I saw Taeyong reaching down to collect something from a girl. I recognized the girl as Yeri, who was quite popular among the guys in our class, as she was one of the cutest juniors. 

 

I wondered why she would be talking to him and what it was that she had given him. My brows knitted together as I formulated scenarios. 

 

"Jae, are you coming?" I heard Chungha call to me and I turned to see she had stopped running and was looking at me. "Uh, y-yeah." I said and resumed jogging with her. 

 

After a few more laps I had exhausted myself. Chungha definitely meant what she said and she continued running while I made my way to the bleachers. 

 

I passed by the refreshments table, grabbing a bottle of water and proceeded walking. Opening the bottle, I attached my lips to the spout. I wondered how I would be able to bring up the scene earlier without being obvious. 

 

I tilted it, squeezing the plastic and gulping down the cool beverage, trails of it spilling and running down my chin giving a satisfying chill. When I made it to the bleachers I asked Taeyong if he wanted to have some fun. 

 

I was slightly stressed and had residual tension even running laps on laps couldn't fix. I needed a distraction from all of this mess. We made our way back to the locker room and found a stall to do what we wanted.

 

"J-Jae" he moaned breathlessly while I worked my lips down the expanse of his throat, down to the junction of his neck, leaving blooming marks from each deliberate and localized inhale of his skin. 

 

I couldn't stop thinking about it, still. I needed to know. "What did Yeri want?" I asked him, still kissing along his pulse slowly.

 

"S-she confessed to me." He replied and I felt strange, my body felt warm all of a sudden. Did he accept her confession? Did he like her too? Was he going to date her now? That's all that ran through my mind and I stopped what I was doing to look him in the eyes. "Oh?" 

 

Then the way he looked afterwards erased it all completely, leaving the questions unanswered but irrelevant in that moment. He was obviously flustered and it was cute. 

 

I held his chin, turning his gaze to face me and stared at him. "That's....cute" I muttered thoughtlessly but before he could respond I pressed my body against his, sandwiching him and refocused on what were were here for. 

 

I placed my leg between his thighs, rubbing against the place he needed to be touched and loving the sounds he made from it. It didn't matter anymore, at that time. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ f ]

 

 

 

 

 

 

After school ended, I headed straight to the girls dormitories. I waited in the conference hall for Chungha to come so that we could work on our group project. 

 

I glanced around, it was quite empty aside from two other students. Just then, Chungha walked in and then sat beside me. She opened her laptop and I took out the notebook and textbooks from my bag. 

 

We had been working on our project for quite some time now. Everything ran smoothly, however, I wondered how Taeyong and Yuta were doing. Knowing Yuta, Taeyong must be doing the majority of the work, making me feel bad for not agreeing to partner with him. I just couldn't turn Chungha down without a valid reason. After all, I was the only one she knew in that class. 

 

"Why'd you return to Korea by the way?" I asked, sparking conversation. "Oh, my parents moved back because my dad opened a business here so naturally I told them I wanted to attend this school since you were here too. At least I would have someone who knows the truth so I don't have to always pretend." she explained. 

 

I understood what she meant because she also knew how much I hated to pretend all the time. Chungha and I met in high school when I lived in America with my parents for some time. 

 

"Do your parents still not know?" I asked and she shook her head. I exhaled a sigh. "Well, maybe this is karma for you breaking my heart in high school." I uttered, trying to lighten the mood and she laughed. "What to do? You weren't my type." She then stuck her tongue out at me. 

 

Before I could confess my crush to Chungha she confided in me that she felt different. I guess I can finally understand what she meant back then. Since then we had been very close. She's practically like my family now. 

 

"I'm everyone's type....anyway, how're you finding the school so far, regret it yet?" I asked, smirking. She frowned, and leaned in and whispered so the other students couldn't hear what she was about to say. "Slightly, but I think that Hwasa girl might be worth the trouble." 

 

"I'm impressed, you move fast." I chuckled heartily at her answer, but my phone started to vibrate. I opened it seeing a text from Taeyong asking how the report was going. I smiled. Even though we weren't working together he was still worried about me. 

 

I looked up to find Chungha grinning at me. "Who's that, got you smiling from ear to ear." My ears began to burn with embarrassment. "Anyone special?" She questioned. 

 

"Is it Taeyong? He's not just a friend, is he?" She pressed, speaking softly, when I didn't reply. I was taken aback by her deduction skills. 

 

I pursed my lips together, hesitating to respond. However, as she was open with me, maybe I could be too. I needed to tell someone and she could probably understand the most how I'm feeling. 

 

"You're right." I admitted. I placed my phone back on the table. "How did you...you know, figure out that you were different." I muttered, looking at the open text on the table absentmindedly and back up to her. She smiled warmly, "when I realized I was thinking about someone more than I should. So much it made no sense. But, the thought of being without them felt worse." 

 

I nodded, showing I understood what she meant. We continued working on our project until it was finally completed. I stretched when I rose from my seat and we said our goodbyes before I walked back to the boy's dorm building. 

 

Outside, I noticed someone seated on the steps. When I was closer I saw that it was Taeyong. He was wrapping his cardigan around his body, and looking up at the sky. 

 

It wasn't until I walked closer that he finally noticed me. I sat right beside him and looked up at the sky, the sky he had been admiring so much. It was beautiful. 

 

I turned to him and asked how his report had went and he pursed his lips together then looked away from me. 

 

I stared at his side profile as the moonlight reflected his porcelain skin, my mind marking every detail. The sky was beautiful, but not as beautiful as you. 

 

I leaned closer, draping my arm around his shoulder. "What's wrong? Jealous?" I whispered into the shell of his ear. He immediately gazed at me, flustered and I was having too much fun teasing him.

 

I then went to the door, staring at his back. I then beckoned for him to come inside, worried he might get sick if he stayed any longer. He looked up to the sky one more time, I too looked up, wanting to stare at it together. 

 

"Hurry up Taeyong, or I'll lock you out." I called, and he finally got up. "Coming! I'm coming!" He yelled and I couldn't help but smile. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ i ]

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was in my living room catching up on my missed hours of gaming when Chungha texted me to come out of my room and downstairs. I slipped on my slippers and went through the door to her.

 

"Ugh, it better be a good reason you interrupted me. I got killed because of your message." I groaned. She shook her head and rolled her eyes in disapproval.

 

I glanced around at the students walking by, "So, why did you call me down here anyway?" I asked, rather impatiently. "Right. Why I called you here...did you see the prom posters around the school?" 

 

I raised a brow at her. "Yeah, what of it?" She displayed a sinister grin alerting me that she had another one of her crazy schemes. "Why don't you ask him to go? I saw him staring at it this morning." She hinted, wiggling her eyebrows. 

 

I sighed heavily. "I don't think so. Besides, I don't think he would want to go anyways." She slapped my shoulder, "Jae, are you stupid?? This is our only prom. A once in a lifetime opportunity! It's a chance to make an unforgettable memory." I scratched my chin, pondering on her words. 

 

"Hmm...I dunno. It seems lame to me. Plus isn't it pricey? It's not like we can go as a couple" I questioned, whispering towards the end. She shook her head at me and folded her arms. "You guys can spend time together any other day. I'm sure he would go if you ask him to. You're oblivious to his feelings, Jae!" She spoke in a raised tone that only we could hear. 

 

I rubbed the back of my head, smiling awkwardly. The fact that even she could tell only made me feel more anxious. "I'll think about it." I uttered and she was suddenly cheery again. "I'll accept a maybe! He'll say yes, I'm almost sure of it." She chirped and then we parted ways.

 

I returned to my room, taking my seat on the couch once again. I picked up the controller but paused, wondering how I would even go about asking him to come without it sounding weird.

 

I picked up my phone, ready to call him over but I was surprised to see a text from him come in. Maybe this was a sign.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ e ]

 

 

 

I went to the mall with Taeyong today. I was surprised when he called me out, but it was a good surprise. We hadn't hung out doing regular things by ourselves in a while. 

 

After we were finished browsing through a clothing store we went into a restaurant we often ate at. We received our menus shortly after we sat down and I scanned the items briefly. 

 

It made no sense to look anyway because I'd always get whatever Taeyong couldn't decide on. He would always get too much food and end up wasting it otherwise. 

 

I glanced over to him to see him making that face he did when he would be deep in thought. He licked his lips and I could feel the blood rushing south from such a simple action. 

 

"Can't decide?" I asked and he looked up from the menu to me shaking his head with an adorable pout. That look would make me buy everything on the whole menu. I suggested we share and he happily agreed. 

 

The food arrived and we didn't waste time digging in. I could tell Taeyong wanted the other half of his sandwich back but I wanted to know why he enjoyed it so much, so I didn't want to give it to him and was relieved when he had refused anyway. Was it selfish of me to think that way?

 

When we finished eating we walked alongside the storefronts until we came to the front of the cinema. A movie poster was being displayed and with one glance I knew it was something he wanted to see. 

 

I lied saying I wanted to watch it too so that we could see it together. We bought our tickets and went back to the dorm since it was too early. I went through my wardrobe selecting what I would wear later. 

 

I was playing my game in the meantime to pass the time until it was closer to the movie starting. My phone began to ring. I paused the game and took it out of my pocket to see it had been Chungha calling me. I wondered why she could be calling me at this hour.

 

"Hello?" I questioned cautiously. "Hey Jae, please tell me you're free!" She responded. I had no intention of telling her my movie date plans or she'd tease the hell out of me. "Not really. What is it?" I said calmly.

 

"You gotta help me out! I messed up! My mom...and...Hwasa...and..." I could barely understand what she was saying with how fast she was talking. "Calm down, start over." 

 

She sighed heavily. "I kinda told my mom that we were going out tonight to see a movie." She finally said. "What?! Are you crazy?? When did I agree to that?" I yelled, frustrated. "Jae I'm sorry but I invited Hwasa out to watch a movie but she asked if anyone else would be going and I said you'd go too so it wouldn't be awkward but was gonna tell her you had other plans." I shook my head, "Then do that! Tell her I had other plans and go together," I groaned.

 

"That was until my parents decided to skype call to check on me when we were talking! You know how protective and strict they are. They'd know I'm lying then come for me immediately so I told them I was going out but when they asked with who, I panicked." She began and paused momentarily. "If they knew it was someone they've never met...they'd be suspicious and want to meet her before agreeing. But once I mentioned you were coming too my mom agreed." 

 

I ran my hand through my hair and exhaled in frustration. "I'm going out with Taeyong to the movies. I can't bail on him, he really wanted to see it." I sighed, staring blankly at my tv screen. 

 

"Aw, Jae. I'm so sorry. Maybe we could all go together?" Ugh, Taeyong will hate me either way for this. There's no way I'm doing a double date especially with how awkward Taeyong gets around her. I could smell a recipe for disaster. 

 

"No way I wanna be with him alone. I'll go with you, but you owe me." I sighed and mulled over how I was gonna break it to Taeyong. Maybe we could go alone tomorrow and watch the one he wanted. I could just tell he was going to be disappointed. "Yay! Thanks Jae. Anything, you name it. I could even explain to Taeyong if you want." She offered.

 

"That's not necessary. I'll call him myself. Don't worry I wont mention anything about you or Hwasa." I uttered, knowing she would be nervous about rumours spreading about her. Not that I couldn't trust Taeyong, it just wasn't my truth to tell. "Okay, thanks again. We're heading out in a bit if you wanna go with us." 

 

"Mm, I'll get dressed and meet you downstairs in half an hour." I then hung up and let out a huge sigh. I didn't want to spoil the plans we made. I opened my call logs and dialed Taeyong, waiting for him to answer.

 

I explained that something came up suddenly, not getting into details. I could hear the disappointment in his voice and promised him that we would watch it tomorrow and that I would treat him, he reluctantly agreed but I was at least glad he did. 

 

When it was time to watch the movie, I left with Chungha and Hwasa heading to the cinema. We made it in time to go to the clothing store Taeyong and I stopped at earlier. I told her to buy his suit for prom that he tried on and liked. At least this would lighten the burden on his pocket for now after wasting the movie tickets. 

 

We went up to the ticket booth, Hwasa went off to the restroom so Chungha and I stood in line. When it was our turn, the seller asked which movie we wanted, and she pointed at the one that Taeyong wanted to see. 

 

My mouth fell open, shell-shocked. "Are you kidding? I can't watch this, I'm supposed to watch it with Taeyong tomorrow." I explained. Taeyong would never forgive me if I watched it first, he wouldn't want to see it again if he found out.

 

"Oh my God, really? What do we do? Everything else on the list isn't as interesting. We both wanted to watch this movie, that's why we came." I furrowed my brows. "What movie, miss?" The seller asked, impatiently. Chungha glanced at me once more before I nodded in defeat.

 

We ended up buying tickets to the movie. I'd just have to rewatch it tomorrow acting like it's the first time I've seen it. Maybe I could close my eyes through the whole thing? 

 

Chunghas phone rang and she showed the screen to me. I saw it had been a skype call from her mom. "Ugh, I bet she's calling to make sure I'm here with you" she said before putting on a smile and answering the call. "Hey mom, the movies about to start...of course I'm here with Jae.... you want to see him?" She then turned the screen towards me and put the call on speaker. 

 

"Oh my Jaehyunnie, you've gotten even more handsome since the last time I saw you." Her mom said to me. "Hey Mrs. Kim, long time no see." I gave her a smile and waved. "Please take care of Chungha for us, son." Chungha rolled her eyes. "Mom, I'm not a child. I can take care of myself." She snapped.

 

"Don't worry Mrs. Kim, I will." And her mom finally hung up after a few more exchanged pleasantries. 

 

As the previews were about to begin we made our way to the door. Chungha left Hwasas ticket with the security and sent her a text before we went inside. Chungha chose a seat closer to the front but in the middle and saved a spot beside her for Hwasa.

 

By time the third preview came she had returned, scooting into the row to the seat to the left of Chungha. "That bathroom line is ridiculous." She moaned, taking her seat. We watched the movie together but the entire time I could only think how much he would enjoy this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ n ]

 

 

 

 

 

 

I locked my gaze with his as we both came undone unraveling the tension of our loins. I want to get lost in the galaxy of your eyes. It felt like I was seeing him for the first time in months when it had only been days. I missed this, but we can't keep doing this. 

 

"Jae" he moaned as I gave one final thrust into him, expelling my release. How did it even get here? I came over to talk but look at me. I tried to talk it through but it only ended up this way again. Ugh.

 

I knew something was wrong the minute I called Taeyong the day we rescheduled for the movie and he refused saying he couldn't go. After that he had been colder in his behaviour towards me, avoiding being alone together. I wanted to call multiple times but I had no idea what to say.

 

With prom approaching the following week I decided to use that as an excuse to give him the suit. Prom, was he still even going? He laid resting on my chest. My hand made it's way to his hair on its own, twirling a few strands. "Are you really okay?" I asked him, worriedly. 

 

He had cut me off when I said we should talk. Maybe we could talk now before he gets too tired to speak. He hummed, "yes, I'm fine." Now that he's speaking, I don't know what to say. He's drawing circles into my skin and it's extremely distracting. 

 

"So..., you'll come to prom right? You'll come with me?" He stopped moving the minute I mentioned that. What the hell? I mentally slapped myself. Why did I bring up that stupid prom? I could care less if we go or not. And why did I mention go with me? It's not like we're a couple. I don't want to get my hopes up.

 

"Not with me, with me. You'll take yeri, right? After all she did confess to you." I said lowly. My mouth was moving as if it's not my own, I knew that if this continued, I'd say anything he wanted me to or something I'd regret. 

 

I thought maybe I should finally give him up. He deserved to go with her, to have a normal type of love without complications. He deserved to be loved by someone honestly, not in some twisted way. 

 

He deserved to be happy even if I wasn't the one making him happy. All this time I had been selfish when it came to him, just doing things my way regardless of how he felt.

 

He didn't speak for a while and it worried me. I wanted to know what he was thinking. "Tae..?" I called to him softly. "Jae.." he looked up to me, eyes wavering. I was thinking all of those things, but my egocentric heart didn't agree. I don't think I could ever be anything else than what we are now. "Hm?" I muttered, waiting to hear what he had to say. 

 

"Jae...I-I love you.." he said and I was immediately stunned by his declaration. He loved me? How could he? All I've done was use him for my personal gain. 

 

I smiled meekly back at him, while staring into his glistening eyes. Say it back, you coward. "I...." come on, say it. "love you, too" the words fell from my lips with more than I had anticipated. 

 

He raised his eyebrows at me, "really?" He asked in astonishment. I smiled more broadly at him. "Yes, I do. Always have." 

 

A tear then fell onto his cheek and I cupped his face while brushing the tear away. "What is it, Tae?" Did he not mean it the way I did?

 

"I'm just...happy." he said, smiling brightly at me causing all of my worries to fade away. He then placed his head back down on my chest. 

 

"We'll always be close like this forever, right?" For the first time, I want to give him everything without holding back. 

 

I thought I could move on but I've now realized that being without him hurts more than lying to myself forever. What's the point if I can't be honest with myself, at least. It'd be no different than how I treated everyone else around me.

 

I pulled out of him, not wanting him to hurt further because of me. He whimpered at the loss and held on to my side. "Yes, always" he stated and I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into my chest tightly. I nuzzled into the crown of his head, kissing it tenderly.

 

Just as the beginning of our relationship came without warning, we should also love to no end, unsure of when it would wither like the leaves in autumn or dissolve like the snow in the early morning of winter. 

 

As each season signifies the beginning of a new period, perhaps we could also evolve and begin again. I want to begin again, with you Tae. I want a fresh start and to do things without holding back. 

 

Because I will never find another person like you in this world. There's only you. Was only you. Will only be you. Only you, Taeyong.

 

 

 

The end 

Chapter Text

d e t e n t i o n

"Pretending everything's alright is detention."

______________________________

 

 

Taeyong stared at himself in the mirror, smoothening the lapels of his metallic red jacket. He was fully decked in his prom attire and relieved that Jaehyun had selected the one he liked. 

 

"Tae, hurry up!" Yuta called outside his bedroom. Yuta and Ten came down from their dorm as they had agreed to go as a group. On the way they would meet the others who were also going. 

 

"Coming!" Taeyong shouted back and quickly styled his hair as best as he could manage. He then collected his phone and ticket from his study desk before switching the lights off and heading out of his room.

 

There he could see Yuta and Ten dressed in equally formal suits. As he came closer they both stood up from their seats at the couch. "Wow, Tae. Way to put me to shame." Yuta scowled causing him to chuckle. "Nuh-uh. You look great." He said which made the Japanese boy grin widely. 

 

"You too, Ten." Taeyong said as he turned to the said boy. "Of course, you don't need to tell me." The boy boasted. 

 

They then left Taeyongs dorm room and headed for the stairs to meet Winwin and Jaehyun downstairs like they agreed. 

 

Once they arrived downstairs, Taeyong saw his long-time crush and the boy who had also told him he loved him too, a few days ago. He felt that it was all a dream. He couldn't believe that it really happened and it made him feel shy all over again. 

 

They hadn't told anyone else about their relationship, not even their friends, since they weren't ready for the interrogation. Also they didn't want others to see them differently. 

 

As they walked up to the two boys who leaned on the wall next to the exit, he saw Jaehyun had worn the navy blue tux that Taeyong complimented him about. Honestly, Taeyong thought they all looked great on him but he felt especially smitten with the younger wearing that piece. 

 

"Winwin!" Yuta immediately jogged to stand beside Winwin, leaving the other two behind. Ten tutted and shook his head at the sight of Winwin was now desperately scraping him off of his arm. 

 

When Taeyong stood directly in front of the younger, Jaehyun gave a stellar smile. "Tae, you look great." He said quietly, but Ten had heard him with his vulturine senses. "Hey Jaehyun, what does that make the rest of us?" He snickered, enjoying the uncomfortable expression the boy had on his face.

 

Taeyong turned around to the Thai boy who had his arms crossed, "I thought you said we didn't need to tell you that you looked good." He muttered to which Ten laughed. "I was only teasing Jae, unless you're now his defender." Taeyong laughed awkwardly, feeling slightly embarrassed.

 

They all proceeded towards the schools main building, entering and heading to the auditorium. Taeyong and Jaehyun walked side by side a few inches behind their friends. Inside, they could see silver and gold streamers decorated the walls of the hallway until they found themselves in front of the huge double doors of the auditorium. 

 

They spotted some of their classmates ahead of them which Yuta greeted before they opened the hefty doors to walk inside. The previously inaudible music was now echoing through the hallway of the school, bouncing off the walls and inviting them inside.

 

Taeyong grappled at the seams of his trousers. He began to feel self conscious wearing such uncomfortable clothing and seeing so many people inside. He inhaled deeply, as his eyes shifted from place to place, avoiding staring directly at anyone in particular. Jaehyun looked towards him, noting the look of panic and placed a hand on the olders shoulder and leaned close to his ear, "you look great, don't stress it" he said lowly. 

 

Taeyong looked at him with knitted brows, "really?" Jaehyun nodded, and gave him a dimpled smile to which he smiled in return. The older somehow felt much more calm after that and they walked to the table their friends had found. 

 

There were students on the dancefloor, having fun with the popular soundtracks being played from the huge speakers on the stage. There were other ornate details around the auditorium, all of the same chromatic palette as the streamers they saw on the way in. 

 

In the corner there was a table reserved for drinks and assorted snacks which were laid out in a buffet style. There were some students chaperoning the table, perhaps to avoid mischievous delinquents from spiking the punch. Despite the student to teacher ratio, that wouldn't be impossible. 

 

Yuta and Winwin then went towards the dancefloor. Taeyong then focused on his friends as they let loose, dancing as if there's no tomorrow. He wasn't confident enough to join them and he envied their courage to dance in public. He nipped at his lower lip anxiously. Deep down itching to leave, he felt like he didn't belong in these clothes, in this setting. He then felt a hand on his thigh and looked up to see Jaehyun staring at him. 

 

Jaehyun then gave his thigh a gentle squeeze and smiled warmly. "You okay? Wanna dance?" Taeyong shook his head, "No, I'm good." He nervously glanced around to see if anyone was focusing on them. 

 

His gaze fell to the food table and back to the younger, "I'm gonna get some food, do you want anything?" He questioned. Ten who was busy texting on his phone, looked up at the mention of food. "Yeah, I could eat." He blurted out and Taeyong turned his attention back to Jaehyun. "Nah, maybe just a drink." He answered and with that Taeyong got up and made his way to the table. 

 

He joined the line of other students who were waiting their turn to be served. There were two rowdy students chattering ahead of him. 

 

Moments later, the friends began to bicker and one of the students pushed the one he was immediately behind, causing him to step backwards and bumping into the person behind him. "Ouch," the voice yelped. 

 

Taeyong turned, "Sorr..y" he apologized, when he saw Yeri had been the one he bumped into. "Oh its you, Taeyong senior..." her voice softened as she spoke his name. "Hey...yeri, fancy meeting you..uh...here..." he said slowly. "Yes I was asked by someone to be their date." She gave a small smile. Taeyong nodded with his mouth slightly ajar. 

 

"You know...I'm really sorry.." he muttered and her face suddenly fell then she smiled again, this time much wider. "Yes, you should be. I'm quite a catch you know." She giggled, which made him laugh softly. He now felt reassured that she would be fine. The line began to move so they stepped forward to collect their finger food. 

 

As he made his way back to the table, he saw Yeri going to the someone whom he presumed to be her date. He then continued walking carefully, looking at his plateful of mini appetizers and drink for Jaehyun in the other hand, focusing hard not to make a mess. He figured they could share or he'd just get his afterwards. 

 

He returned to his seat next to Jaehyun, handing the drink to him. He took the extra plate from under his and shared some of the food and passed it over to Ten who murmured words of gratitude. That's when he finally noticed Chungha and Hwasa seated on the other end. He greeted them both and began to munch on the food in his plate. 

 

"Wow, Taeyong. You look so handsome." Chungha stated, causing him to look up from his plate. "O-Oh, thanks. You too." 

 

She smiled fondly at him then looked over at Jaehyun, who had been sipping his juice slowly and watching the older eat. "So, Jae." She said, drawing his attention. "Huh?" He muttered, placing the cup down on the table. "What about a dance?" Taeyong looked between them both, his chewing became much slower as his cheeks were already stuffed with food.

 

Jaehyun groaned, "I don't dance." He said. "Oh come on, silly. I have something I need to say to you also." She urged him, getting up from her seat and going towards him. 

 

When she was beside him, she gave his shoulder a few taps, "Come on, Jae!" She yelled then turned to Taeyong, "Hope you don't mind me stealing him for a bit." She smiled. 

 

Taeyong became flustered by her statement. "Why would I...?" He said quietly and glanced to Jaehyun who looked at him briefly then groaned and got up. "Be back soon." He said. 

 

Chungha clapped with glee and made her way to the dancefloor. Taeyong watched as Jaehyun trailed behind her, dragging his feet in protest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They began to dance with Jaehyun slowly bobbing his head and alternating his balance on both feet and Chungha moving around effortlessly. 

 

Taeyong watched them at a distance feeling a bit uneasy. He grabbed the cup of juice and downed the liquid. He made eye contact with Hwasa, which caused him to cough from the juice going down his windpipe. 

 

"You okay, man?" Ten asked, eyes barely leaving his phone. "Yeah, I drank too fast" Taeyong struggled to say and Ten then tapped his back with his free hand making him cough even more.

 

"First you force me to come here, now you force me to dance?" Jaehyun complained, swaying to the music sluggardly. "One, I didn't force you here. I suggested it. And two, you call this dancing? You're basically a grandpa." She divulged, causing him to roll his eyes. He looked over to the table to where Taeyong was staring at him.

 

Chungha then went closer to him. "Anyway, about what I wanted to say was thanks Jae, really, thank you for everything." Jaehyun turned to face her to see her smiling. He sighed and shook his head, a lopsided grin apparent on his face. "No problem. Just don't ask me to do it again." 

 

"But...now it's your turn to be brave. You need to express yourself, Jae. Before you lose him." She finally said as she hugged him. He tensed briefly then patted her back and hummed in response. "I will."

 

"May I cut in?" They heard and turned to see Hwasa standing alongside them. Jaehyun stepped away, while glancing at Chungha with a grin.

 

Chungha placed her hand on his shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze. "Go get your guy." She urged, then turned him around and gave a gentle push towards the direction of the table. 

 

Jaehyun began to walk, momentarily glancing back to her to see her smiling at him encouragingly before she faced Hwasa. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaehyun made it back to the table only to find Ten by himself. "Where's Tae?" He questioned him. "Hm? Oh, I dunno. I think he mentioned something about bathroom." The thai male said then stretched. "I can't believe I wasted my money to come to this drag." He heard Ten say before he turned to go towards the double doors.

 

As he went outside the auditorium he headed straight towards the nearest restroom. "Taeyong?? Tae?" He called as he walked down the hallway. He found his way to the door of the boy's restroom, ready to push it open until it swung open revealing Taeyong. "Oh hey–" The older said, slightly started by the youngers sudden appearance. 

 

He walked outside of the restroom, fixing the button of his jacket. "Are you done dancing?" He inquired. Not that he particularly wanted to know how good of a time Jaehyun was having dancing with Chungha. He felt jealous. Jealous of the fact they could dance together with ease without the eyes of everyone in the room judging them. Oh how he would give for a chance like that.

 

"What's with the long face?" Jaehyun said, as he noticed the look of distress that briefly appeared on Taeyongs face. "Hm? Oh, it's noth–" he said but was cut off, "you know you're the only one I want to be with right now, don't you?" The younger said. "What..?" Taeyongs mouth fell agape as he stood shell-shocked by the youngers confession.

 

"That's right. I'd rather be hanging with you in the dorms than here." He stated, smiling at the older who suddenly became shy. "So what do you say, wanna get outta here?" Jaehyun suggested to which Taeyong exclaimed, "hell yes!"

 

They began walking towards the main entrance. Shortly, Jaehyun clasped his hands around Taeyongs and they exchanged smiles, as they continued walking hand in hand. 

 

"Looks like I wasted my money on this tux, after all." Jaehyun suddenly blurted. Taeyong chuckled at him before giving him a good once over from head to toe, "it looks really good on you, so I'd say it's not a total waste." He admitted honestly. 

 

Jaehyun smirked going closer, "imagine how good it'd look while I fuck you in it." He whispered into the shell of Taeyongs ear. The older then punched him in the shoulder, "Oww!" Jaehyun cried, holding his shoulder with his free hand. "You know you want me to." He grinned.

 

Taeyong felt his cheeks become heated and avoided staring at the other. The younger then pecked him on his cheek, making him even more embarrassed, "Jae..." he said quietly, his hand going over to cup his cheek as he tried to hide his embarrassment. He glanced around to check if anyone was nearby.

 

Jaehyun laughed, "I don't care if anyone sees." He said, smiling ear to ear. Taeyong smiled timidly back.

 

Jaehyuns expression suddenly faded into something more serious. "I'm really sorry it took so long" he said softly. Taeyong raised a brow, "what do you mean?" Jaehyun sighed then rubbed the back of his neck, "for me to tell you how I felt, I'm sorry it took until now." The older then finally understood, "oh... it's okay. I'm happy you did anyway." he muttered.

 

"No, it's not okay. I'll make it up to you, I swear it." Jaehyun declared, causing Taeyong to stare at him in astonishment. "O-okay," he sputtered, then a smile faintly appeared on his lips. Jaehyuns promise made him feel reassured. The future suddenly seemed less uncertain. 

 

Jaehyuns fingers interlocked with his, tightening their grip and they resumed walking through the hallway, heading back to the dorms. 

 

Although they both had their own inner demons to defeat, in time, perhaps they would eventually be able to put them all behind. They could heal the scars within their hearts and rewrite all of the pain they've both suffered. 

 

Perhaps, they could.

 

Chapter Text

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Hello everyone, I'm so glad I could finish this short story. Each chapter was difficult to express the words clearly but I made it work somehow. It got a lot more attention than I thought it would and I'm grateful. I hope you all don't hate me for what I did in the end. I wanted to make a realistic and relatable story after listening to the song "just friends" over and over. The lyrics should express what I was trying to achieve in the end. The overall ending, however, depends on your way of thinking. Think of it as a creative or expressive piece. 

I'm sure we all have experienced some sort of hurt and rejection, whether in love or just life in general. I hope this story could give you some sort of comfort or hope to know that everything isn't always the end. You don't have to choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life goes on, with or without us, but people who care about us may not and you can always make effort for a better reality for yourself because it's what you deserve.

I hope I didn't trigger anyone, it was not my intention. If I hurt you with my words, I'm sincerely sorry. I don't support any of the unhealthy coping mechanisms or anything described and I also don't wish to belittle their significance to each of you. 

I doubt I'll ever write first pov again; it's really awkward, draining and too personal. Especially when writing the smut, it felt like I had a dick multiple times lmao. 

I'd recommend listening to the playlist or songs or even reading their lyrics. They're not chosen by random.

 

 

 

 

ENDING EXPLAINED

You can interpret it any way you want to but the main point that I wanted to show is that what you see sometimes isnt all that is there. It's alright to overthink, sometimes you can't help but to. However, there's more than meets the eye and there are always more sides to every situation. Jaehyuns pov is the truth in this story thats why some things are different, it's how they actually went without the overanalyzing and negativity. 

In chapter "e", Taeyong left before Hwasa returned from the restroom so he only saw Chungha and Jaehyun alone in the movie. Chapter "n", for Taeyong was real up until the point of him confessing. 

Looking from Taeyongs perspective, you could say he only saw what he wanted because he felt he wasnt worthy to be loved. He was actually suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder with depressive symptoms. He was insecure about what he meant to Jaehyun but in actuality Jaehyun loved him too. This made him desperate to prove himself needed, some sort of validation. Jaehyun might not have made it obvious how he truly felt by deliberately saying it out in the open, which made Taeyong unable to see the truth that Jaehyun loved him back the same way. When words fail, actions speak louder than words but both have consequences. 

Unfortunately, Jaehyun could only express himself through physical contact. He tried to change that aspect of their relationship, not wanting Taeyong to feel that's the only thing he wanted from him. He was also hoping to express himself clearer in Chapter "n" by requesting that they talked, but Taeyongs need to feel wanted or needed in the way he thought Jaehyun only liked him for didn't let that last. They were tormenting each other and themselves, in some way or another. Jaehyun emotionally, by not being upfront; and Taeyong physically, with his body. That's why communication is key. 

As for the original ending, it can go one of two main ways. I debated on whether or not to make it ambiguous, make it descriptive and debated over and over even before actually writing it. Many of you wanted a clear-cut happy ending but I'm sure some people would have been left unsatisfied. Instead I made an alternative happy ending so that you all could somehow be happy. Some wanted Taeyong to move on from Jaehyun and while that was something I considered, I chose something else because the relationship was somewhat toxic to begin with. It wouldn't be impossible but hard to change the mindset he was in. This story is a rollercoaster, it goes up and down each chapter until the end and everytime it goes up, it goes down much further. I'm not saying there is no hope by making the ending this way, just things don't always go as you'd hope.

In the end, I felt it was perhaps more impactful the way I decided in final. By making it this way, you can understand how you think as a person and choose the fitting ending you desire. Whether it's moving on, giving up or never starting in the first place.

 

 

(01)

My initial motive for "d" was that the whole chapter wasn't real to begin with. As you could see there weren't much details aside from what Taeyong said he saw, not much dialogue as well and he didn't mention anything about Hwasa being there with Chungha, cause he never knew about their relationship. It was all to the point of describing himself being left alone: "He doesnt want me, he wants her, what happens to me now?"

You can imagine that it was all in Taeyongs head as he played out how he thought the scenario would go if he confessed, kinda what he expected and so everything after he "confessed" in chapter "n" (Jaehyuns pov of this chapter & the ending of "d" being the real scenario) were only figments of his imagination. I had italicized Jaehyuns responses to his confession in chapter "n" showing that it was in his mind. Not sure anyone noticed that. So he only died in his daydream. 

It's basically a "what if" scenario. "What if he hadn't said he loved me too, what would have happened?" Think of it like a movie where the scene is flashing through the characters mind and he's brought back to reality, right before he actually confessed for real. That's why they Tae! basically made it went back to the confession scene of chapter "n". He didn't really die but he wanted Jaehyun to hurt because of him and miss him, if he did.

 

 

(02)

Alternatively, the reason I left the other half of chapter "d" in third pov is because you can also interpret it as if everything was real. Jaehyun really did say those words in chapter "n", so the Italicized words are just echoing in Taeyongs head as if he finally heard the answers he didn't want to hear. And so because of being fragile and hurt seeing him with Chungha, Taeyong really did pass from heartbreak. 

You'd then scrap the real confession in Jaehyuns pov chapter. So when Jaehyun found him at the dorm, we see how Jaehyun is picturing how it should have went in his own mind. It would be like it's his wish to turn back time, to go back to when Taeyong confessed and take back the words he said to him. To tell him how he really felt. He's left with that regret. 

Or you can choose the real scenario in Jaehyuns pov and alternative ending.  

And finally, you can just interpret it all however the hell you want cause it's your ending to choose anyway. 

Whichever one you choose is 
solely up to you. 

Tying it in to real life, I'm not claiming I know anything about them. However, based on what I see out in the open, I feel that Taeyong is usually the one expressing himself openly. Whereas, Jaehyun is someone who struggles with expressing himself. I do believe that it doesn't mean that he doesn't care for Taeyong. 

What we see on the surface isn't so black or white, since we can't know what each of them are thinking or what they have in their hearts. Regardless, they aren't obligated to show us how well they get along because it's not our business anyway. As long as they're happy it's fine. No matter how they choose to express their love, whether brotherly or as lovers — whichever it is. Just my two cents. 

 

 

 

 

CLOSING REMARKS

It's alright to doubt, to overthink, to feel insecure. Nothing is wrong with you if you do. I hope you see your worth as more than just someone else's happiness. You deserve happiness too, even if you feel otherwise. If you're in the position where you feel drained or used solely for the benefit of others, it's time to let it go. 

Never let someone use or consume you until you're nothing without them, especially if they don't feel the same way. However, I hope you can find a love that overwhelms you, but in a positive way. Maybe it starts with loving yourself first – note to self.

Hope the message was clear and I didn't flop it or confuse you all. This was really challenging to work through to the ending. It was also a gamble so you either love it or hate it. Thank you for reading and supporting my short story! I'm sorry if I disappointed you with the ending but there will always be a minority you can never fully satisfy.

What ending did you end up choosing in your head? I'd also  love to hear your thoughts on the overall story. 

 

 

 

 

 

See you all in my next story, I hope!
Click the 🎵 for the story's music playlist link.

 

🎵